The Cricket Club
by Sagi-chan
Summary: [AU] Naturally, being a high school student is going to suck but when you're a reincarnated Kitsunedemon with a fan club composed wholly of crickets... it's going to suck a whole lot more. [Yaoi] [GaaraNaru] [Stupidity] [Chapter 15]
1. Thou Shall Have Crickets

**Disclaimer:**_Owning Naruto was never in my plans, but I wouldn't be against the idea.  
_**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer: **_The nickname 'Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That, and she'll nag me into yelling at you.  
_**Saaski-chan's disclaimer: **_The nickname Leeni-chan is copyrighted to Saaski. Use it and die.  
  
_

**AN** _I'm not where this actually came from – but I seem to have once again put off writing my Gundam Wing fic for something pointless and without a plot or a point. [sighs] I probably won't even work on this unless people actually want me to. So, I guess it won't really happen because this is going to be a Gaara/Naruto fic [if I ever work on it] and I've noticed that that particular pairing isn't exactly the most popular._

**_And the crickets are a result of having _**Nlduffy**_ as one of my friends. They belong to her.  
  
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_****Title:**_The Cricket Club  
  
_Naturally, being a high school student is going to suck - but when you're a reincarnated Kitsune-demon with a fan club composed wholly of crickets... it's going to suck a whole lot more.  
  
Meet Uzamaki Naruto, a reincarnated fox-demon with a fan club of crickets. No, it's not a joke. Naruto is a social outcast, not by choice, but by popular demand. Although, when you think of his general description: blond, blue eyes, rather short... you don't think "social outcast" but more "not the brightest crayon in the box". When you think of his character traits: loud, annoying, and no sense of self discipline, you think "dear gods help us all, the moron with crickets is about to attack - again". 

This was the general result and thought process of anybody who knew those basic facts about Uzamaki Naruto.

He has no parents; they had died not too long after he turned six. He has no family; they had died about that time as well. What he does have... it an overprotective "adopted older-brother-slash-father-figure", who would keep a name-collar on the poor kid at all times if the law didn't forbid it. Iruka-sensei was also a counselor at the school that Naruto attended, so that he could keep an even closer eye on his charge.

There were few people that Naruto held the respect for... all of them were adults. There was Iruka-sensei of course. And his History teacher, Kakashi-sensei... actually, those were the two people that Naruto actually respected. He feared plenty of people, and he annoyed pretty much everybody – but he respected very few.

And in return, very few people respected Naruto.

And there was, of course, the quartet of crickets that followed Naruto around because of the lack of anything better to do with their pathetically short life spans. They generally liked to make uncomfortable silences even more uncomfortable with their "wow, this is uncomfortable, maybe we'll chirp now" chirping. Naturally, having these crickets wasn't something that Naruto bragged about, and for the life of him he couldn't understand why the crickets had decided to follow him around and not somebody who actually interacted with people.

Like... Uhiha Sasuke. Probably the most popular boy in Konoha High. Not by choice, of course, but because he happened to be the most sought after boyfriend. Of course, with his dark hair, and dark eyes, and even darker personality... who wouldn't want to date him? His current poster girlfriend was Hanaru Sakura - who, for some strange reason, dyed her hair pink - was the most popular girl in school.

Both, in Naruto's opinion, were rather stuck-up, as in: there were a few sticks stuck up each of their... well, you get the idea. Their general dislike of him, added to the fact that he had some rather interesting dirt on them kept the three at least one hundred feet from each other at all times.

So, now that you've met Uzamaki Naruto, let's work with the rest of the story. For starters, how Naruto first came to realize that he had a fan club of crickets. Of course, to understand this, you're going to need a little bit more of Naruto's high school history.

**_[Enter typical flash-back mode]_**

It all started about half-way through sophomore year, when Naruto first transferred to Konoha High. Because of reasons not yet printable, he was kicked out of his old school and Iruka-sensei had no choice but to get a new job in a new town in order to get away from the shame that Naruto had put upon the two of them.

No, I already said that what he did wasn't ready for print, so I'm not going to tell you what happened until later on.

Naruto, as was typical, didn't really want to change schools... but as he didn't really have a choice he threw multiple tantrums and used the ultimate teenage weapon – door slamming. However, nothing managed to change Iruka-sensei's mind and the poor blond kid was forced to, not only move towns, but also leave behind all of the friends that he didn't really have. Because hey, being an outcast follows you no matter where you go.

The very first appearance of the crickets was the moment that Naruto stepped into the office and had the classic "crap I'm late... oh, was that the most feared person in the school that I just knocked down?" moment.

Chirp_. Chirrrrrrrrrp._

"Eh... gomen," Naruto attempted to say, but his words kind of got stuck in his throat upon realizing that the person he had just knocked over was, not only the most feared person in the school... but also had a very large gourd strapped to his back.

Chirp_. Chirrrrrrrrrrrp._

Upon a second and third look, Naruto also noticed that his eyes seemed to be outlined in a heavy layer of kohl and had no eyebrows, though he did have a funky red **_"ai"_** tattoo on his forehead. Oh, and the small blond also realized that this boy was staring at him with the strangest look of surprise on his features. He didn't actually look particularly scary until his green eyes narrowed in anger and he stalked out of the office without so much as a: "here, let me help you get back on your feet because this is obviously your first day here and you don't yet know that you're supposed to fear me" type of gesture. And so Naruto was left pouting on the floor until the ever so kind secretary glanced at him with a slightly nervous, but mostly annoyed expression. It was one of those "oh help us all, this kid as a fan club of crickets" look.

Chirp_. Chirrrrrrrrp._

"Mr. Uzamaki?" She said after another cricket filled pause of uncomfortableness.

Naruto quickly got to his feet and nodded, the boy with the gourd forgotten as though he had suddenly been "poofed" out of existence. Poof, just like that.

The lady tossed a poorly stapled packet of papers at him; half of the sheaf's not making it further than her desk. "This is your class schedule, locker assignment, and the list of the schools rules. I suggest that you don't bother wasting your time breaking them."

And she had then kicked him out of the office to arrive late for his first period. After, of course, he ran up and down three or so hallways searching for his locker.

That had been where he met Uhiha Sasuke. Well, that was where he had met Sasuke and a strange white-eyed boy he later learned to be named Hyuuga Neji.

That was also where he had gained some interesting dirt on the boy he would later come to hate.

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrrp._

That was the sound of frantic crickets both trying to catch up to the running Naruto... and their response to the scene in front of them. And what a scene it had been.

Classes on that first day of a new high school had been typically bad. Most things about Naruto's life were rather typical – besides the fact that he was a reincarnated fox-demon and had a fan club of crickets. But the real good stuff had started a lunch. By that time, he had already been labeled a social reject, so finding somebody to eat lunch with was pretty much one of those hit and run things. You know, find a table to pathetic looking people and sit down with them until you're chased off for insulting their ways. That was how he found himself standing in front of Gaara (the boy with the gourd) in a silent lunch room.

"Eh... can I sit here?" Naruto had asked amid the chirping of his crickets.

At that point, even the crickets had nothing to say, for they were also shocked. The general thought at this point was: "somebody is actually talking to Gaara... and he hasn't eaten them yet!"

Gaara stared up at him from his empty table with a facial expression that was similar to that he had worn when Naruto had knocked him over earlier that morning. Kohl lined green eyes wide, mouth slightly open, but not much. And his forehead had crinkled, causing his **_"ai"_**tattoo to wrinkle slightly. Gaara then turned his head slightly to stare at the empty table he was sitting at before looking back up at Naruto. Empty table, Naruto. Empty table, Naruto.

"..."

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrrrrrp._

"Unless you'd rather eat alone... because that's cool too. I don't want you to eat me or anything, you know, because I just wanted to sit down and eat my lunch in the cafeteria and not in the bathroom or something because that would be really lame. And you were just sitting here all alone and I mean... I'll go eat in the bathroom then."

Gaara's left eye began twitching due to the fast pace that the words were flowing out of Naruto's mouth. "Stop." He said, startling everybody in the cafeteria. "Sit." He muttered before returning his attention to his lunch.

And that was how Naruto became a permanent social outcast... and met his best friend.

**_[End cheesy flash-back mode]_**

So it came to be that Naruto had some rather interesting dirt on Uhiha Sasuke and Hyuuga Neji [both of whom avoided all contact with him] and befriended the most feared student in Konoha High School.

Iruka-sensei was so proud of him.

And his life became pretty routine, until that day maybe a year and a half later, during the hottest part of the summer; well it was actually about three in the morning, when Gaara called his house. For you see, Gaara was an insomniac and the "kohl" that lined his eyes was actually just the result of spending about ten years not sleeping.

"Naruto, meet me at the park in ten minutes." The red haired boy with a gourd had said. "I have something to show you."

"Muhhhhhhhh." Naruto had replied. This translated, roughly, to: "Gaara, you might be an insomniac, but I happen to sleep at three in the morning. And you might be my really scary and over protective stalker-type-friend, but meeting you at the park at three in the morning really isn't one of my favorite things to do."

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrrrrrp._

"If you don't meet me in ten minutes, I'll stomp on all of you crickets." Gaara threatened after he had finally managed to decode his friend's moan of protest.

And thus, Naruto was up, dressed and in the park ten minutes later.  
  
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AN** _Did anybody understand any of that? Is there actually a point to this? Is Gaara inviting Naruto to the park to reveal to the blond of his undying love? Well, probably not – on all of those accounts._

**_Review to tell me if I should keep working on it. I probably won't.  
  
._**


	2. Thou Shall Not Be Late

**Disclaimer: **_sorry, you're about one chapter too late for that one. Trying going back to chapter one.  
_**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer: **_The nickname 'Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That, and she'll nag me into yelling at you.  
_**Saaski-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname Leeni-chan is copyrighted to Saaski. Use it and die._

**  
AN** _Just to be fair – I really wasn't planning on working on this. Just to be annoying, the next fic I'm going to be updating is probably not going to be this one. To be cruel, I'm going to request that people help me in coming up with a plot. And, hey – to round it all off – to be kind, I'll give whoever comes up with the best plot a cookie. Please note that I'm really glad that this wasn't an instant hit fic, because if I get more than 100 reviews before the next update [whenever the hell that is] I'll feel **obligated** to continue working on this. Enjoy!  
  
_**Warning:**_ If you haven't yet noticed, this is going to be a YAOI fic. With OOC characters, rabid crickets, a random raccoon and an insane author. You have now been warned.   
**Gaara/Naruto**_

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**Chapter 2**

Gaara paced the park pathway furiously while waiting for his cricket wielding idiot of a friend to arrive. It wasn't that he was impatient or anything, okay, so maybe he was a little impatient, but damnit - he said ten minutes and Naruto now had nine minutes and twelve seconds until he was late! Two minutes of pacing the sidewalk later, the gourd carrying oddity grew slightly nervous.

What if Naruto wasn't going to come? What if the blond had realized what a horrible friend Gaara really was and was planning on ditching him? Worse yet, what if Naruto had been attacked by fifty-thousand killer birds like in that movie "Birds"?

Okay, so maybe that wasn't all that probable.

Okay, knowing Naruto, it could be probable.

Gaara made it a note to himself to not watch bad late-night movies when he was supposed to be sleeping. This of course, went below the note to himself which stated that he wasn't allowed to kill his older brother, and that offering to buy ramen for Naruto was as good as giving the executioner the ax and saying "be done with it."

The red head quickened his pace, because we all know that the faster one paces, the faster time will fly by, and he was soon leaving a trail of dust behind him. Two minutes later, making this four minutes and forty-eight seconds after he had called Naruto, Gaara relented with his pacing and removed his gourd before sitting down in the abandoned sand-box.

Then, without as much as an: "I feel so lame" expression, Gaara began building a high quality sandcastle with the slightly damp sand. He built this castle with an air of: "Yes, I am the most feared boy in my school. Yes, I am making a sandcastle, and yes, it is possible for me to kill you with sand."

"Oi! Gaara!"

A pair of orange clad arms wrapped around him in a glomp attack, either unaware or unafraid of the smug and deadly aura Gaara was giving off. But then again, taking into consideration the identity of the glomper, he was probably both unaware and unafraid.

Yes, it was Naruto.

Gaara twitched but otherwise remained silent. If he timed it just right...

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp_.

He smirked.

"Mou... why do you always make them chirp?" Naruto whined, unplastering himself from his friend's gourd-free back.

"Naruto," Gaara said, turning around to reveal his perfect sandcastle complete with balconies, little flags that read: "Stalking is just another form of friendship!" and a clear water mote that held a few dead bugs. "I see dead people."

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrp_.

"EHHHHHHHH?!"

"Actually, I'm being stalked by a possessed raccoon. It's over there."

Gaara pointed towards the strange little critter that had been following him ever since he had gotten home earlier that day. It seemed to be chuckling in a strangely sadistic way as it waddled across the teeter-totter.

Chirp. _...Chirp?_

"Gaara, I don't see a raccoon. And my crickets think you're a crazy homicidal lunatic."

"You can discern their chirping now?"

"You try being followed by crickets for two years and we'll see if you can tell the difference between their chirping or not! And if their chirping says that you're a homicidal lunatic, then – damnit! – you're a homicidal lunatic!" Naruto shot back with an air of: "I knew you were only my friend because of the crickets. I think I'm going to run home and sob into my pillow now, you bastard."

Gaara rolled his eyes and stood up before Naruto could actually run home in tears. Sure, he knew that he tended to give off the "I'm a homicidal lunatic who's about to kill you for pleasure and profit" vibe, but it was nothing to get hysterical about. His left eye twitched slightly in irritation. Then his right eye twitched, as did the muscles in his fingers. That gave his hands the sort of: "I'm really itching to find Uchiha Sasuke and turn him into my prey" illusion.

"Stop being melodramatic and help me with the stupid raccoon." The most feared boy snapped, not bothering to get his twitching under control.

Hey, this was Naruto he was twitching about here. He'd be lucky if he lasted the night without somehow managing to twitch his way to death.

"I already told you I don't see a raccoon!" Naruto wailed, gesturing wildly around the abandoned and nearly pitch-black park. He blinked suddenly, his gaze focusing just behind his still twitching friend. Then his gaze transferred back to his twitching friend with an air of curiosity. If he squinted his eyes just right, the twitching seemed like it was twitching along to the song: "She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes".

Quite a toe-tapper.

Naruto shook his head, remembering the last time he had put Gaara's twitching to song – such a traumatizing experience that had been, too – and refocused on the sandcastle. "Oi, Gaara, did you know that there's a raccoon destroying your sandcastle?"

Forget the night - Gaara would be lucky if he lasted five minutes without twitching into a grave.

===

It had taken a while, but about five AM, Naruto finally had a grasp on Gaara's situation. A very loose grasp, mind you, but a grasp none the less.

"So... you're being stalked by a possessed raccoon that only you and I can see... and you see dead people?" Naruto repeated for what seemed to be the fiftieth time after nearly falling asleep through Gaara's "raccoon and dead people" rant about fifty times. It's wonderful how those numbers worked together, isn't it?

_"I DON'T SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"_

The few remaining birds in the park attempted to take flight. Unfortunately for them, birds who are dubbed flightless through science cannot fly – and thus they were stuck facing Gaara's wrath along with Naruto.

The poor birds.

The morning sun peaked over the horizon, Naruto's crickets gave off a few sleepy chirps, and Gaara continued to twitch in the pre-dawn of what would be yet another hot summer day. He had long since passed the "Sasuke is my prey" twitching and moved on to "why did I allow this idiot to become my friend" twitching.

"Okay, explain it to me again."

The crickets woke long enough to give off two annoyingly loud chirps that would probably translate to: "gods, what a moron!"

"Raccoon. That's it."

"Why didn't you say that in the first place?!"

"..."

Twitch.

So, yeah, it was going to be a rather hot summer day.

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**AN** _I hope for all your sake that you read the authors notes at the start of this chapter [gods, what a short chapter too!] and took heed to them. This fic doesn't have a plot. If I'm going to continue working on it, I'm going to need one. I recommend sending me ideas... or a random high school memory. That works too._

_Oh, right. Review and I **might** update._


	3. Thou Shall Be Scorned By Raccoons

**Disclaimer: **_First chapter. You know, where this whole story began.  
_**Kuroi-chan's Disclaimer: **_The nickname _**'Sagi-chan**_ is copyrighted to _**Kuroi**_. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That, and she'll nag me into yelling at you.  
_**Saaski-chan's Disclaimer: **_The nickname _**Leeni-chan**_ is copyrighted to _**Saaski**_. Use it and die._

**AN **_Hello all, bet you didn't expect this chapter to update for a long while. To tell the truth, I didn't except this chapter to be done so quickly either. And BAH! To all of you who didn't send me a good plot idea! No cookies for anybody!!! _[feeling mean] _Anyway, I think this fic is just going to stumble around in the plotless-dark for a while until it hits something. So, except much randomness and stupidity in the near future.  
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** Chapter 3 **  
  


As wonderful as it is, to sit with your best friend in a sandbox, building "The Sandcastle of All Sandcastles", there always seems to be something missing. For Gaara and Naruto, who were building said sandcastle and doing their best not to feel lame; it was their sense of worth. For the crickets, who were watching the two attempt not to feel lame, it was the lack of uncomfortable silences that they could make even more uncomfortable by chirping annoyingly. And for the possessed and rabid raccoon that has yet to receive any type of name, it was the lack of recognition he was receiving as a "Classic Rabid Animal".

"Let's go prove our existence," Gaara finally said, abandoning the tower window he had been attempting to make.

Naruto shot him a weary look. "The last time you said that," he began, "Kakashi-sensei wouldn't stop chasing us for two hours. And he had dogs. Big dogs. With rabies." The blond shuddered at the memory.

The crickets perked up with a single "Chirp!" before realizing that the silence they had just interrupted hadn't been uncomfortable, just silent, thus making them feel really stupid.

Gaara smiled a smile that he classified as wistful, but everybody else saw as just plain frightening. "Ah... I love proving my existence..."

Naruto shivered at that smile. "Gaara, you're a great guy and all... but please don't ever smile again."

Fortunately, before a recap of what happened the last time the two boys had proved their existence could happen, somebody walked by. Actually, it was more like somebody limped by on crutches. This was no random passer-by, of course, this is somebody the author likes to call a Plot Device, for this character is easy to mock. This character, for at the present moment the gender will remain unannounced, has many distinguishing features. Black hair cut as though somebody had placed a bowl on this persons head and then attacked with a lawn-mower in need of a blade. Eyes that looked as though blinking would prove difficult because they were so round and wide. A green spandex body suit that bunched and stretched in the worst places - complete with orange leg warmers. But the most mockable feature of this character is the eyebrows. For they are _thick_. And _scary_. And probably visible from the _moon_.

The one and only: Rock Lee.

Or, as Naruto calls him: Fuzzy Eyebrows.

The reason that Lee is on crutches can be blamed on Gaara, who took something Lee said the wrong way and inflected much damage to his leg. The damage probably would have been worse if Lee's idol, Gai-sensai, hadn't arrived and pulled the enraged red-head from his look-alike student.

Hurrah for short tempers and easily misinterpreted statements. What did Lee say, you ask? Well... let's just say Lee will never again talk about buying eye-liner for his mother again. Especially not around Gaara.

At the sudden appearance of this plot device also known as Rock Lee, both Gaara and Naruto twitched slightly.

The crickets, knowing better than to chirp at this moment, remained quiet. And the raccoon that only the two boys could see ignored them all in favor of chuckling in its sadistic way while waddling in drunken circles.

The reason that the two sandcastle builders twitched was because if Rock Lee was around - that meant he was either following or being chased by a certain group of persons. Firstly, it would be a pink-haired Haruno Sakura, who would be following one Uchiha Sasuke. Sasuke would be walking side-by-side with his best friend, Hyuuga Neji, who would be followed by his cousin, Hyuuga Hinata.

And the crickets would rein supreme in the silence that would ensue when the two groups clashed.

Sure enough, the rest of the group that Lee was probably limping from approached the sandbox.

The crickets took their cue from the author and began chirping as loudly and as annoyingly as cricketly possible.

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp._

Sasuke, in his "I'm angsting so therefore I'm extremely sexy" mode, stared moodily at the sandcastle in front of him and blinked. This was Sasuke for: "you two are the lamest teenagers ever."

Sakura swooned. As did Neji, though he wasn't quite as noticeable. At least he stayed on his feet.

Hinata, who had just entered her: "I'm around Naruto so therefore I must be shy and push my fingers together" mode nervously squeaked out an "Ohayou Naruto-kun" which involved much blushing and stammering.

Gaara's fingers began twitching in their "Uchiha Sasuke is my prep" mode.

Naruto sighed in the classic "why me" way and returned Hinata's greeting.

The crickets continued chirping.

The deranged raccoon on speed waddled over and examined Sasuke's ankles; most likely judging if they were worth the time to bite. Deciding that they weren't, the raccoon moved over to Sakura and said: **"MUNCH!"** Before biting down.

Gaara blinked.

Naruto snickered.

Sasuke kicked over the sandcastle and began walking away.

Neji began walking and, much to his secret delight, Sasuke paused a moment to allow him to catch up.

Sakura screamed and began flailing.

Hinata, after pausing for just a minute or five, stammered a "see you later, Naruto-kun," and hurried after her cousin.

Lee, through it all, hadn't blinked once.

And, as predicted, the crickets reigned supreme.

"Ne, Gaara, do you want to go to my house? I bet that Iruka-sensei has already made breakfast. He's probably also already done all of my chores and has begun getting frantic because I'm not there..." Naruto pondered that for a moment. "But I bet breakfast will be good."

The two began walking towards Naruto's house, leaving the still unblinking Lee and the still flailing Sakura behind them. The walk back to the house Iruka-sensei would later be throttling Naruto in for leaving the house at three in the morning was rather uneventful. This means that the author will be skipping over the incident of almost getting hit by a mail-truck, dodging some flaming clowns and Gaara stopping for a moment to prove his existence, hence, the flaming clowns.

And then they arrived.

Iruka-sensei, true to form, was standing on the door-step, holding the newspaper in one hand and slapping into the other in a strange warning fashion that nearly sent Gaara running. The man was frowning something awful, his brown eyes narrowed to little slits and one eyebrow twitching at a hazardous pace.

"Er... Ohayou Iruka-sensei!" Naruto called in an uncertain voice.

Gaara took that moment to slowly step away from his friend and attempt to make a run for it. Gaara was no idiot and self-survival was one of his strong instincts. Unfortunately for him, Naruto's reflexes had somehow sharpened and he latched onto Gaara's wrist, hence, stopping the redhead's hasty retreat.

Naruto send his only friend a pleading look.

"Ohayou sensei." Gaara muttered while averting his gaze.

That seemed to set off Iruka, who had apparently been holding in his anger up to that point. He _screamed_. Birds _fled_. Spittle _erupted_. Babies _cried_. Eardrums _burst_. Glass _shattered_. Throttling _began_. And the great thing called "_fear_" erupted in the hearts of both Gaara and Naruto.

It finally ended and the man sent them both warm smiles. "Well, breakfast is on the table. Hurry up before it gets cold.

With the promise of breakfast, Naruto ran into the house and zipped into the kitchen, leaving Gaara and Iruka-sensei to walk at a normal human pace. And there, on the table, was a breakfast spread suited for the Emperor of Japan - that is, if there was an emperor of Japan. But there isn't one anymore so we'll just say it was a really big breakfast. Hash browns, eggs, toast, bacon, sausage, French-toast, pancakes and everything else that could be associated with breakfast.

Okay, just kidding.

To tell the truth, there was some burned toast and soggy cold cereal sitting on the table. And that was it.

"You call this breakfast?!" Naruto screamed, pointing first at the pitifully empty table and then pointing said finger at his guardian. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Gaara sighed, looking longingly at the Door to Freedom.

Iruka chuckled maliciously. "Well, eat up boys!" He said, "I'm leaving for the day."

And then he ripped off his bathroom to reveal that he was fully dressed, before running out the door Gaara was staring so longingly at.

The car that had been sitting in the driveway coughed to life and with a _"Bang! Groan! Vrrrmm...[cough cough]"_ exited onto the street in a cloud of exhaust fumes.

The redhead growled in envy.

And the crickets were too stunned to even chirp. Talk about OOC.

It was then that Gaara suddenly realized that he was in Naruto's house - alone with Naruto, none the less - and feeling less homicidal then usual. His heart skipped and a faint red hue erupted on his cheeks.

_What was this feeling?_ The red head questioned himself frantically. _This feeling that makes my heart thump and my cheeks hot and those other body parts tingle?_

Okay, yeah, just kidding again.

"Want to play video games?" Naruto asked, giving up on breakfast and turning to his best friend.

Gaara nodded and followed his friend into the living room, where he spent the rest of the day winning every video game that Naruto owned - which consisted of "Frogger" and "Pac Man" and "Pong" - and then watching as Naruto attempted to win but failed miserably.

"We should name your raccoon." Naruto finally decided after losing the seventieth time in a row. He ignored the fact that one of Gaara's non-existent eyebrows had just lifted in a "You've got to be kidding me" way and continued talking. "I mean, look at it!" He pointed at the maniacally chuckling raccoon that was waddling around the living room. "It looks so dejected without a name!"

Chirp. _Chirrrrrp._

"Let's name it Shukaku."

Gaara twitched.

And then the blond turned back to Frogger and once again attempted to get his frog across the street without being run over by a truck.

He failed, miserably.

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**AN** _Yes, it is Shukaku, the rabid homicidal demon-raccoon. There might even be a part in this story when he possesses Gaara [which would be kind of funny...] and Kyuubi actually is mentioned. I guess you'll just have to wait until then._

**Review plea:** _if nobody reviews, I'll never update. Get the picture?_


	4. Thou Shall Be Possessive

**Disclaimer: **_First chapter. You know, where this whole story began.  
_**Kuroi-chan's Disclaimer: **_The nickname _**'Sagi-chan**_ is copyrighted to _**Kuroi**_. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That, and she'll nag me into yelling at you.  
_**Saaski-chan's Disclaimer: **_The nickname _**Leeni-chan**_ is copyrighted to _**Saaski**_. Use it and die._

**AN **_The plotless wonder story re-emerges out of the darkness and into the light! Once again, there is no point to my writing this. But hey, I just got my wisdom teeth out and in my semi-drugged state; I decided to let my muses run wild. Needless to say they sat and stared at me as though I was completely out of my mind. Which I was, but that's besides the point. Either way, I'm sure this is just slightly odd, so enjoy it._

**Chapter 4**

Summer time for a social reject and an icon of terror is actually rather boring. Considering Naruto to be the former and Gaara to be the latter, summer time is more that just boring. The correct title could be _"Death Warmed-Over and Then Stabbed Repeatedly with a Rusty and Blunt Spork with Vicious and Repetitive Motions"._ Quite a title for a summer of boredom, but hey – Naruto prided himself for being able to come up with cool titles.

The two boys did actually attempt to have a bit of "normal fun" over the course of the two scorching hot months without school. They went to the movies, a road trip, other social activities and such. ... Okay, just kidding. Their attempt to go to the movies failed, mostly because they had chosen to watch a horror flick and Gaara had been chuckling in a positively sadistic manner throughout the entire show. Of course, that had emptied the theatre and had the red head banned from the cinema for life. The attempt at a road trip also flopped, but that was only because, **one**: they didn't have a car, and **two**: they didn't want to attempt to spend countless hours in a car with no one to talk to but each other.

Hey, they were best friends – but even they had their limits.

Besides, they didn't have anywhere to go.

Any other social activity was shot in the head because people flat out refused to be seen in public with either one of the two boys. Mostly it was Naruto that they didn't want to be seen with – but they just didn't want to be near Gaara because, as earlier stated, he is an icon of fear.

As for "normal summer activities" well... Gaara flat out refused to be caught dead – much less alive – in a bathing suit. He claimed that showing off one's body was a pointless pastime, and besides – no color matched his pale skin and flaming red hair. Naruto assumed that he was just hydrophobic, but didn't offer any complaints – so swimming was out of the picture as well.

What he didn't realize, however, was that Gaara would do pretty much anything that the blond asked of him – and that included going to a very public swimming pool in bright pink shorts.

Although Naruto didn't know of his control over Gaara, he did know that his friend did have a tendency to give into his whims when pleaded with enough. This was a fact that was set in stone – although only Naruto's pleading could bend Gaara's will.

And this is how Gaara found himself at a theme park, his hand being clasped by Naruto's, and being dragged along the path – past all of the idiots in costume. It was only a coincidence that the theme park doubled as a water park. And that Sasuke and crew just happened to be there on that day. And that Naruto had somehow managed to extract a promise to inflict no bodily harm to anybody from Gaara. Meh, who am I kidding? The Powers That Be were plotting something – and it was a something that wasn't necessarily in Gaara's favor.

"Ne, ne!" Naruto said, tugging along his reluctant friend. "Let's go on that really lame train ride, just so that we can mock it!"

Seeing as Gaara really had no choice in the matter, the two boys soon found themselves sitting on said really lame train ride, right next to the _Conductor-Slash-Tour-Guide_. And to Naruto's amazement [and pride] Gaara only twitched _slightly_ the first time that somebody brushed past him. Not only that, but the green eyed boy managed to keep him homicidal glare relatively subdued as to not frighten small children. The second time that a small child ran into Gaara's leg, the red head forced his blond friend to switch seats with him.

Two minutes later, Sasuke and Neji sat down in front of our two rejects. Why they chose to sit there I have no idea, as Naruto and Sasuke _really_ hate each other, but they did and that's that. So, stick with it. Right after the two pupil-less boys took their seats; a pink haired girl flopped down on Sasuke's lap.

"Mou, Sasuke! Why don't you ever wait for me? I am your girlfriend after all!" Sakura continued her rant / complaint, while flipping her hair into Gaara's face. Gaara twitched but, as he promised Naruto, didn't give into the urge to maim the girl.

Sasuke blinked. This blink, to Neji, said: _"I like Neji more than I like you so bug off you little _**[censored]**_ mutter, mutter, mutter"_.

However, Sakura interpreted this blink to mean: _"I'm so sorry, Sakura-chan, my lovely wide-foreheaded girlfriend! How can I ever make it up to you!? Please, allow me to grovel at your feet in a blatantly out of character manner!"._

Naruto snorted in disbelief, somehow knowing exactly what both Neji and Sakura were thinking. Gaara remained motionless, doing his very best to control his homicidal urges. _Naruto would hate you forever,_ he reminded himself. _He hates people who break promises! I won't sink that low! Sakura holds no power over my homicidal urges! ... Meh, who am I kidding here anyway? That _**[censored]**_ might have something to do with those urges, but I'll never get Naruto to like me in **that** way if I break this promise!!!_

And thus, Gaara remained both motionless and oblivious to the fact that he was now clutching Naruto's hand in a very possessive death-grip. _Nobody was taking my Naruto-chan away from me! **NOBODY!!!**_

At this point, the crickets would like to announce their presence.

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp._

While Gaara continued his internal tirade, Naruto began squealing in excitement for the really lame train ride was about to begin. He did not notice that Gaara was clutching his hand and coming dangerously close to breaking quite a few bones; he also didn't notice that Sakura had just been thrown from her seat on Sasuke's lab by a suddenly very possessive Neji. The only thing that Naruto cared about was the train ride, how lame it was going to be, and how much fun it was going to be to mock it.

**[Twenty minutes later]**

Gaara continued staring straight ahead and clutching his friends hand. He hadn't spoken at all, much less moved or even twitched, in the last twenty minutes.

"And if you'll look towards your left," the train _Conductor-Slash-Tour-Guide_ said in a monotone voice, "you'll notice the camp site of this parks vicious, killer, oversized family of badgers!"

"Ohhh… ahh…" The other passengers responded just as tonelessly.

_"BWAHAHAHA!" _Naruto yelled loudly, pointing with his free hand. "Badgers live in holes in the ground, and they can't build campfires!"

Small children began crying.

The _Conductor-Slash-Tour-Guide_ sent yet another glare at the blond teenager before pointing out the next "landmark". "And to your right, you'll see a tree. This is called the Larry, The Flightless Tree, for you see, Larry cannot fly."

Naruto made yet another wisecrack about this stupid landmark.

In front of him, Neji and Sakura were engaged in a twenty minute long glaring contest. Sakura had one arm wrapped around one of Sasuke's legs, while Neji's hand was clenched around Sasuke's bicep. Sasuke himself seemed very engrossed on the train ride, oblivious to both his girlfriend and his best friend. He seemed especially fascinated with the vicious, killer, oversized family of badgers, and actually changed his facial expression when they passed them by.

And another twenty minutes was wasted while Naruto made wisecracks and pretty much did his best to annoy the general public. After the really lame train ride ended, Naruto, his hand still clenched in Gaara's, somehow managed to drag his friend down to one of the _"Really Fast Rides That Spins Really Fast!"._

This might not be the best moment to mention this, but Gaara has a fear of things that he cannot control. That includes all roller-coasters, water rides, spinning rides and pretty much everything you can find in a theme-park-slash-water-park. Unless, of course, you counted the people dressed in really stupid animal costumes that danced in the middle of the path – because Gaara could control them with naught but a glare. But that was beside the point. The point is that any ride, save the really lame train ride, that Naruto drags Gaara onto is going to terrify his poor friend. And that terror would result in the red head latching to his friend and refusing to let go. Oh, wait... he's already done that, hasn't he? Let's have a few references to prove this fear, shall we?

Gaara, on the previously mentioned spinning ride:

_"Naruto, I really don't think that this is a good idea..."_

_"Don't be silly Gaara! This will be fun!!! Itai... Gaara, you're squishing my hand..."_

Gaara: on a roller coaster.

_"Naruto – shi-ne!!!"_

_"Gaara! That's my hand!! OWOWOWOW!!!_

And the water rapid ride...

_"If those _**[censored] [censored]**_ blast us with the _**[censored]**_ water there's going to be some serious _**[censored]**_ massacring going on... mutter, mutter, mutter."_

**[Insert the screaming of masses]**

**[Insert small children crying]**

_"I... can't feel my hand anymore... Iruka-sensei is going to be really suspicious about this you know."_

_"..."_

Suffice to say, that letting the two social rejects run loose in a theme park probably wasn't the best idea that Iruka-sensei had had in his life time. It might also be wise to mention at this point that Gaara has been clutching Naruto's hand for the entire day, and that the red head's hand was very comfortable in said hold.

And about the time that the two were ready to leave the theme-park-slash-water-park, they once again ran into, you guessed it, Sasuke and crew.

"Well, that's an interesting development," Sasuke said, uttering his very first words on this fanfiction. He was staring at the clasped hands of Naruto and Gaara, a very strange look in his eyes.

The crickets, who had just barely managed to not being trampled on by a couple of slightly malicious three years olds, hopped up next to Naruto and began their now infamous chirping.

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrp._

Shukaku, the raccoon that had been waddling drunkenly after Gaara the entire day made it's way over to Sakura's ankles and said: **"MUNCH!"** before biting down. This resulted in the girl once again screaming and flailing, though it wasn't quite as funny as it had been the first time. That must be getting old already.

Shukaku wandered off, feeling rather dejected that his part in this chapter is already almost over.

Neji, whose gaze was also focused on the hands of Naruto and Gaara, was thinking that fear was about to strike in the hearts of many. He was, of course, also thinking that it was kind of funny. People at school would probably have a day set aside to mock the blond if they knew... He then remembered that Naruto had some dirt on him as well, so wisely decided to keep his mouth shut.

"Hey, Sasuke," Naruto said with a rather crude look. He paused, as though gathering his wits together in order to properly insult his arch-foe. This is probably going to be the most dramatic part of this chapter! Gaara looked over at his friend, the expression of surprise that had first drawn Naruto to him already painted on his features. Was Naruto really going to say what he thought he was going to say? Was he finally going to reveal the dirt that he had on Sasuke and Neji!? Or was he going to-

"...Chubby Bunny."

Boom!

-Just be Naruto and miss his chance.

After the group picked themselves off the floor from their well choreographed anime fall, they all decided that they had had enough of each other for the summer and decided to stay away from each other as much as possible.

"Kankuro's here," Gaara muttered, dragging his idiotic friend over to the car his idiotic brother was waiting in the nearby parking lot. Kankuro, Gaara's older brother who spent all his time locked up in his room attempting to become the best puppeteer the world has ever seen, was actually a really lame character that [most likely] will only be present in this chapter. Because he wears face paint. And is kind of stupid.

"You're late!" The boy snapped, pulling his hooded sweatshirt a little lower over his head. "I've been waiting here for-"

"Can it and drive." Gaara sneered, still not relinquishing his grip on Naruto's hand. Kankuro, who was as terrified of his little brother as was everybody else in the town, did as ordered and played chauffer for the two boys in silence.

Naruto, who for some reason didn't really care that Gaara was _still_ holding his hand, alternated between smiling at his friend and smiling out the window. This made Gaara slightly uncomfortable but also very uncharacteristically happy.

The crickets chirped, though it wasn't a show of breaking the uncomfortable silence. It was simply because they're crickets and they get bored when Naruto and Gaara were alone together. Because no silence between the two boys is really uncomfortable, as previously noted, those silences are just silent.

And behind the car, Shukaku waddled as fast as drunkenly possible, trying to get back to the only two that could see him. May it be noted that Shukaku was failing miserably at this task. At least, until Kankuro hit the downtown area, where his really, _really_ bad luck came into play and he hit every single red light possible.

What a dunce.

**AN** _By the way... why didn't people mention that I kept misspelling people's names in the first chapter?! Feh, not that it really matters. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, remember that I was drugged during this chapter._

**Review plea:** _just like pain-medication, reviews can make me happy._


	5. Thou Shall Play Chubby Bunny

**Disclaimer: **_Way back at the beginning of the fic. If you missed it – too stinking bad.  
_**Kuroi-chan's Disclaimer: **_The nickname _**'Sagi-chan**_ is copyrighted to _**Kuroi**_. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That, and she'll nag me into yelling at you.  
_**Saaski-chan's Disclaimer: **_The nickname _**Leeni-chan**_ is copyrighted to _**Saaski**_. Use it and die._

**AN **_So, I decided to work on this a little more because I got slightly bored. That, and my face started to swell and it made me think of Chubby-Bunny. And that made me think of a conversation I had with Duffy, about how Sasuke would probably win that game because of his chubby face. And besides, who can give up the chance to torture Gaara a little? It's fun!_

**Chapter 5**

Okay, so, by this point in the story, it's pretty safe to say that Gaara is very aware of his sexual preferences. It's also probably safe to admit that Naruto has never really thought about it - but he doesn't really think about much, so that's no big surprise either. After the Theme Park-slash-Water Park fiasco, which ended up leaving Naruto's left hand in a cast, Gaara was even surer of his sexual preferences and became very, very possessive to his one and only friend.

This is how he managed to get roped into helping the blond clean his house.

Summer cleaning at Naruto's house was a rather interesting experience. Especially given the fact that Naruto's house doesn't have air-conditioning, and was currently around eighty-eight degrees inside, while it was ninety degrees outside. Wow, a whole two degrees difference. Shukaku and the crickets, seeing as they were both portable and insignificant to this part of the chapter, were hidden in the basement freezer, feeling very smug that they were able to keep frozen in the hot summer months. Naruto was currently running around shirtless, using said shirt to dust, while Gaara stared and attempted not to drool too obviously.

Good thing for Gaara, Naruto wasn't very observant, and therefore didn't connect the big puddle on the floor, with Gaara's salivary glands.

"Damn, I hope the roof isn't leaking," Naruto worried, eyeing the puddle on the floor near Gaara's feet. "Iruka-sensei doesn't make enough money to hire a _real_ roofer. We'd be stuck with some perverted old guy again..."

"**_..._**" Gaara responded, taking a moment to wipe off his chin and avert his gaze to something that wasn't a shirtless Naruto. Hey look... a wall.

Because walls are truly fascinating structures, and Naruto didn't honestly care about Iruka-sensei's financial future, the author had chosen to skip ahead a bit. This is to save the readers from staring at walls themselves.

Okay, admit it. You just looked at a wall, didn't you?

Anyway... after this rather abrupt scene change, our two favorite rejects are now lying down for a well deserved rest. They are sweaty and exhausted, tired from all the physical activity they had just been engaged it. Ack! No, you hentai! They were just cleaning! Naruto's house doesn't have air conditioning! Geez, get your minds out of the gutters!

"Mou..." Naruto moaned, throwing one arm over his face in a showy way of saying: 'I'm really, really, really, really, really, really tired.' "Why doesn't Iruka-sensei clean the house during the spring, like normal people?" The blond paused to think. "On that note, where is he anyway?"

"**_..._**" Gaara replied from his spot on the floor. He had chosen to turn down Naruto's offer to share the bed, probably one of the red head's more sensible ideas. Based on the fact of how much water he had needed to consume because of self-inflicted dehydration, it was probably a safe precaution for Gaara to stay on the floor.

"What do you mean he's out on a date?!" Naruto snorted in disbelief. His mirth, however, quickly ended as his eyes suddenly widened and he sat up faster than one would think possible. "Shukaku! The Crickets! We left them in the freezer!!"

And the two boys rushed down to the basement (stopping once or twice as they got distracted by other more interesting things) and to the freezer. Only to find that their possessed and mostly invisible raccoon and annoying fan club of crickets had been frozen.

_"C-c-chr-p."_ One rather blue looking cricket managed to attempt before it fell over and ceased to move.

**_..._**

"BWAHAHAHA!" Naruto laughed, not even trying to hide how amusing he thought frozen crickets and raccoons to be. "That's so funny!"

Gaara twitched slightly. This twitch wasn't an irritated twitch, it was... more of a muscle spasm that he fiercely tried to hold back. He wouldn't laugh. Not even in front of Naruto. That would ruin his "Feared Boy" image. So, he settled for twitching.

This was all and good until Naruto decided he didn't want a frozen raccoon in his freezer and turned to Gaara with a half laughing, half serious look on his face.

"Ne, Gaara [hehehehe!] would you [hehe...] get it out of my [hahahaha!!!] freezer?"

Gaara, unable to deny the blond anything, did as asked. It was just a simple favor until the semi-invisible beast suddenly awoke from its apparently not-so-frozen state and jumped into Gaara's body.

**"BWAHAHA!"** Gaara suddenly boomed in a blatantly out of character way, and in a voice that was _way_ too femmy to be his own. **"I am in control of Gaara now! Watch as I, Shukaku no Tanuki, finally receives a good role in this fanfiction!! BWAHAHAHA!"**

And then the red haired boy shook his head, and his voice returned back to its normal sullen low-tone voice. Shukaku was blasted out of the pale boy's body and back into the freezer, the door shutting firmly. "Naruto... _korosu_!"

But Naruto was too busy rolling on the ground in hysterics to care as his best friend pounced on him and attempted to choke him to death.

And, as this is the best moment for Iruka-sensei to appear... he will. And let's just say that he slightly misinterpreted the scene before his eyes. That scene being: Naruto unable to breathe because of his laughing fit, and Gaara sitting on his chest, arms around his neck. May it also be noticed that Naruto is still shirtless and Gaara is looking slightly homicidal.

And so, let the over-reaction begin.

_"AHH! Gaara is raping my poor Naru-chan!"_

Iruka-sensei panicked, running the rest of the way into the basement and pulling the red head off of the blond. He tapped Gaara lightly on the nose and then scolded / ranted at him on the values of waiting until his partner was ready for sex. The tap on the nose was odd enough, but the lecture was down-right scary.

"...So you see, Gaara-kun, sex isn't about power or anything like that. It's about commitment and love that you share with the person you're having sex with. It shouldn't even be called sex! "Making Love" is a much better title for the act of two people becoming one. And you can't just force Naru-chan into it. He has to be ready, and willing to share that part of himself with you. I'm going to have to ask you to wait..."

Let's just say that Gaara has never been quite so mortified in his life.

===

Because the author has decided that Gaara has been tortured enough for a while, we're going to move on to a quick segment about Sasuke and Neji. The two boys were currently at Neji's hose, doing their very best to avoid the entirety of the rest of the Hyuuga family. And they were actually doing a fairly good job, which is surprising, given the size of said family.

"Ne, Sasuke," Neji said in a would-be bored voice. "Do you want to play video games... or something that teenagers do? You know, normal guys... spending time together?"

Obviously, Neji was trying way too hard.

Sasuke looked around, noting the collection of video games his friend had. A much more expansive spread that Naruto's Pong, Frogger and PacMan. Neji had Donkey Kong and Duck Hunt, in addition to the games listed above.

"Do you have any diet-coke?" The boy finally muttered, turning his gaze back to Neji.

Neji jumped; clearly he had not been expecting an actual verbal response. "Eto... **HAI!**" And he ran off to get Sasuke's diet-coke.

Sasuke settled himself down in front of the game-consol, plugged in Frogger, and proceeded to get his frog across the street before it fell into the acid-water and died. He cursed, and then used up his two remaining frogs in the same way.

"Damn." He muttered, impatiently waiting for the game to reset.

And this is what Neji saw when he returned, holding a diet-Pepsi in one hand, and a bag of jumbo marshmallows in the other.

The two boys stared at each other for a moment before Neji sat down and handed over the soda. Sasuke, apparently choosing not to comment that he had asked for coke and not Pepsi, gulped half of it down. He then blinked - which was immediately translated to: "wow, Pepsi really is better than coke!"

And this is when the bag of jumbo-marshmallows comes into play.

"Um... want to play Chubby-Bunny?" Neji asked, turning his head to one side, his pearly gaze fixed on the wall.

In response, and probably just an attempt to see if he could break his old record of nine marshmallows, Sasuke grabbed the bag and proceeded to shove ten marshmallows into his mouth. Cheeks bulging, he managed one "_Muuba-Huua_" before starting to choke.

And Neji, because he is already unashamedly out of character, panicked and started to shake his friend in an ill-conceived attempt to help. What he received for his efforts was a face full of gooey marshmallow and a Sasuke with an odd expression on his face. Scratch that - a Sasuke that was only half conscious with a very, very odd look on his face.

**_"Ai shiteru... Neji! Zutto!!!!"_** Sasuke shouted in very bad, fan-girlish Japanese before proceeding to pass out. He moaned out one work that could have been: _"Neji"_ before actually succumbing to the darkness of his own mind.

And this is why Neji now loves the game Chubby-Bunny.

**AN** _Yes – torturing Gaara is fun. But... torturing Neji is a lot more fun. Oh and the "hey look... a wall" thing, is a joke between Duffy and myself that I don't feel like explaining. Just note that it's ours, so don't use it. _[very possessive]

**Review plea:** _if I get a hundred reviews before the next update – I'll post a special Iruka/Kakashi chapter._


	6. Thou Shall Run Like The Wind

**Disclaimer: **_chapitre une. Where it belongs.  
_**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer: **_The nickname Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That and she'll nag me into yelling at you.  
_**Saaski-chan's disclaimer: **_the nickname Leeni-chan is copyrighted to Saaski. Use it and die.  
  
  
  
  
_**AN **_Considering that I really had no doubts that I would get 100 reviews before the next update _[special chapter bribe or not]_ the idea of putting off my GW fan fiction for this one became a good one. Plus, this fic is rather humorous. And besides, I have two friends bothering me to keep working on it. So... here you go. _[And Adria, please don't kill me for this... I'm not mocking you, I swear.] _And Noreen thanks for advertising this fic for me... I appreciate it?  
  
  
  
_===  
  
  
  
**Chapter 6: **_Kakashi/Iruka special!  
  
  
_Iruka-sensei, who will be referred to only as such for the author doesn't know [or care about] his full name, stood with an irritated scowl plastered across his features. This is a pretty decent sign that said man is very irritated. It hadn't been easy to get Naruto to clean the house, especially after Gaara had arrived at the ungodly hour of four in the morning. The actual arrival of Gaara hadn't exactly been unexpected, and Iruka-sensei would be damned if he resorted to begging in the red heads presence... hey, let's just cut to a flashback, shall we?  
  
  
**[Enter really pathetic flashback mode]  
  
  
**_Iruka-sensei slowly dragged himself down the stairs and towards the front door, where a never ending pounding was now taking place. He reached said destination and flung open the door to reveal Gaara standing in the light of the predawn, a scowl on his features._

_"Where's Naruto?" The boy asked, looking at Iruka-sensei as though he were less then scum on his shoe._

_Iruka-sensei bristled, not liking that look at all. "Leave." He said before slamming the door shut in Gaara's face._

_Naruto had drifted down the stairs sometime between Gaara's question and the door-slamming response. "Ano sa, ano sa..." he murmured, knuckling his eyes and proceeding to fall down the two remaining stairs in the process. "Who was that?"_

_The blond boy then spotted Shukaku sitting near Iruka-sensei's ankles, pondering if it was worth the effort of trying to get a good part in this chapter. The raccoon, deciding: "hey, why not?" said _**MUNCH!**_ and bit down._

_Iruka-sensei proceeded to start flailing, while Naruto snuck around him and opened the door to reveal a very ill tempered Gaara._

_"GAARA!" Naruto squealed, jumping forward and embracing his one and only friend._

_Said friend twitched violently._

_Iruka-sensei regained his composure and headed towards his room. "Naruto, I want you to clean the house today. Gaara, you too. It should keep you out of trouble for a while, at least..." He then skipped down the hall, changed his clothes and snuck out the window, regardless of the fact that it was now only four-o-two AM.  
  
  
_**[End really lame flashback]  
  
  
**Right, it "hadn't been easy" ... but he had managed, and he was now very irritated. Hence, his scowl.

One foot was tapping the ground impatiently; his right eyebrow was twitching along with the catchy beat in his head. His mind supplied some rather gruesome forms of torture - in song. Yes the beat was catchy, yes the lyrics were morbid, and yes Iruka-sensei was very, very, very irritated.  
  
  
_"Find him, beat him."  
  
  
_And then the lyrics continued on with:  
  
  
_"Castrate him.  
__Show that sucker who's boss!  
__Torture him within an inch of his life.  
__Teach him that in some cultures being late,  
__Can be considered criminal.  
__And then blast him with napalm  
__Before dropping him in the Dead Sea."  
  
  
_There were a few dozen or so other verses involving some other forms of torture, ranging anywhere from rabid badgers, to death by spork, to turning a man into a eunuch. Yes, it can be said that Iruka-sensei can be [is] slightly morbid.

"Ohayou!" A cheery voice said from behind the already irritated man.

**"Urasei!" **Iruka-sensei yelled, spinning around and pointing his index finger at the person just behind him. "You're _late_!"

"Ma, ma..." the spiky haired man in a face mask said, lifting his hands in surrender. "I was smacked in the face by a dead cow and had to go to the hospital to make sure that I don't have Mad Cow disease..."

**_"LAIR!!"_**

Hatake Kakashi sweatdropped slightly at the rather immature man who was yelling at him. "Anyway, we'd better get started with your training. Let's test your endurance."

Iruka-sensei nodded his irritating flowing away as determination took him over. "Right!"

He got into position and Kakashi took his place behind him.

"Are you ready?" The man asked, his voice coming out much softer, and much, much lower.

Iruka nodded, staring straight ahead, hoping that he didn't make too much of a fool out of himself. He shivered slightly, as one of Kakashi's hands moved down his thigh, readjusting the position it was in.

"Alright... _GO!_" Kakashi said in that same low, husky voice.

Iruka-sensei sprung forward with all the grace and speed of a gazelle. A three legged gazelle that had gotten into the sake. Meaning, Iruka-sensei took all of five steps and then fell flat on his face.

There was a long silence. "You're getting better..." Kakashi finally said sweatdropping slightly.

Iruka-sensei slowly got back to his feet, feeling slightly proud that he actually managed to run five steps before falling over this time. He used to simply fall over every time Kakashi said "go". Now... he actually moved forward. And, because the author is realizing that she's trying too hard, we'll skip to a bit of dialogue.

"Mou," Iruka-sensei sighed, walking slowly back towards Kakashi. "I'll never be ready for the Hundred Foots Marathon the way I'm going..."

The Hundred Foots Marathon, which is only going to exist in this chapter, is a Marathon designed to show the people of Konoha just had old and fat the elder generation is getting. It is also an excuse to make fun of said old and fat people as they slowly ran about fifteen miles - uphill.

"You're improving," Kakashi said, his one visible eye curving in the only way of telling that he as smiling. "You just need a bit of... inspiration."

With that said Kakashi strode forward, grabbed hold of Iruka-sensei's shirt collar, dragged him forward and kissed him firmly. And then he ran. Iruka-sensei chased after him, a string of curses and threats flowing from his mouth as he went. "Get back here you **[censored]**!" The man screamed, "If you're going to **[censored]** kiss me, at least do it right! I'll **[censored]** castrate you!!!!"

Kakashi kept running, now fearing for his life of any future child he might have.

A couple of hours later, Iruka-sensei finally managed to exhaust his anger, much to the relief of his intended victim.

"_[pant pant]_ See _[pant pant]_," Kakashi said with another grin while pulling out a book titled "Come, Come Paradise" and opening it to a marked page, "You just _[pant pant]_ needed the right motivation."

Time froze as a realization seemed to come over the man.

And then, Iruka-sensei hopped up and down, clapping in joy, feeling much like a high-school girl that had just been asked to her first co-ed dance by her best friend / secret crush. Kakashi actually lowered his book in shock. Iruka-sensei then flung his arms around Kakashi's neck in a suffocating hug. And hey, to make breathing even more difficult for Kakashi, he also kissed the man, breaking off his air supply completely.

And then, both amazed [but no more so than the author] that nobody had come across their shonen ai moment, they broke apart.

"I need to get home." Iruka said, glancing worriedly at his watch. "I left Naruto alone with Gaara! You never know what might happen when those two are along together! They might try to prove their existence again! Gaara might try to rape Naruto!!" And as he was now panicking, Iruka-sensei rushed back to his house.

Sensing no immediate danger, he relaxed. That was until he heard shouting from the basement.

_"Naruto! **Korosu**!!"_ And that was said in Gaara's very distinct voice.

Iruka-sensei burst into the basement, fearing the worst.

_"Ahhh!! Gaara is raping my poor Naru-chan!!"_

And because the crickets have yet to be mentioned, even though they are supposedly frozen at this point in the fic, they will have the final words of this chapter.

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrrrrp_.  
  
  
  
  
===  
  
  
  
  
  
**AN **_Did I also mention that merely typing this chapter was physically painful? I sliced open two of my fingers at work. And um... I'm also thinking that next chapter, Gaara is going to both: get a job, and become even more possessive. _  
  
  
  
**A review is like a band-aid. Heal my fingers so that I can type faster!!! [ -- **desperate]****


	7. Thou Shall Covet Sequenced Clothing

**Disclaimer:** _chapter one. Stop bugging me!_  
**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer**: _The nickname _**Sagi-chan**_ is copyrighted to _**Kuroi**_. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That, and she'll nag me into yelling at you._  
**Saaski-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname _**Leeni-chan**_ is copyrighted to _**Saaski**_. Use it and die.  
  
_**AN:** _I'm pretty sure that last time I promised that Gaara would get a job – and become more possessive. And I'm proud to say that I think I've got both of those promises fulfilled. Not only that, but I've introduced Itachi!!_ [Mainly because a certain special reviewer seemed to be hinting at it...] _Please don't kill me for making him horribly out of character. I thought he was kind of cute my way. I was laughing while writing that part. Although, it was probably just because of Neji. Oh well. Enjoy!  
  
  
  


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_**  
  
  
  
Chapter 7  
  
  
**"I got a job." 

Naruto stared at the green eyed boy that stood in front of him. The first thought that had entered his mind was: "why?". This was quickly followed by the question: "who would be desperate enough to hire Gaara?". A sudden image of Gaara in a panda costume flashed through his mind, for no reason at all. There had been some poor guy at the Theme Park-slash-Water Park in a panda costume... Gaara had nearly killed him for offering the two of them balloons. Maybe Gaara was developing a guilty conscience?

****

Nah.

Gaara, seemingly knowing the two questions that were going through Naruto's mind, and choosing to ignore the panda costume image, answered said questions. "I need the money. They wanted a person to scare drunks sober. I get paid, he stays alive. We both win, we both lose."

"Gaara, you're the second son to one of the richest families in this town... why do you need money?" Naruto demanded.

"... **[mumble mumble other indistinguishable sounds]**..."

"Huh?"

"That _bastard_ that calls himself my father cut off my allowance because the _bastard_ that calls himself my brother somehow managed to destroy all the furniture in the second living room with a stupid puppet he named _Karusu_." Gaara grudgingly admitted in clear words, glaring death in the general direction of his house.

Naruto blinked, suddenly feeling rather glad that he was an "only child". He was also glad that that fact wasn't going to change, because _1)_ Iruka-sensei is [in Naruto's mind] a closeted homosexual. And _2)_ He's poor as hell because of his chosen job as a high-school counselor.

There was a twenty minute pause, in which Gaara stood on the front porch, continuing to glare death towards his suddenly fearful brother, and Naruto stood in the doorway, seemingly thinking. It looked painful. The blond finally broke the silence.

"So... where are you working?"

****

Gaara shifted uncomfortably, probably embarrassed at the sheer lameness of his new job.

"C'mon!" Naruto whined, doing his best to look adorably pathetic - and failing at said task. Not that it made much of a difference to Gaara, whose puddle-melting abilities were put to the test at said look. "I need a job too, if you've got one! And it's not like you're working at Bob's Diner downtown or anything. Because that job is _the_ lamest. They have to wear sequenced clothing and wait tables on roller skates! And that place never closes! **Never**! _AND THEY DON'T EVEN SERVE RAMEN!!!!"_

After Naruto's rant, there was another twenty minute pause filled with uncomfortable silence.

Chirp. _Chirrrrp_.

Yes, it was an uncomfortable silence between Gaara and Naruto. Just guess how the crickets are reacting to this. They're _overjoyed_! They're chirping in _joy_! [The author needs to find another word for "joy".] Because the crickets are _joyous_! _JOYOUS_ I SAY!!!

After this pause, in which Gaara did nothing but twitch and fight the urge to stomp on the _joyous_ crickets, the red haired icon of terror simply turned and began walking away. He actually managed to look calm and collected, hiding all of his homicidal urges behind a mask of indifference. That is, until he tripped over a certain Tanuki, two steps later.

Said "Icon of Terror" hit the ground with a very audible thud and a not so audible wail of: "mommy..."

And Shukaku, who was amazed that he didn't even have to try to be annoying and entertaining for this part of the chapter, joined the crickets in their _joyous_ celebrating. Meaning, he waddled in a few drunken circles, accidentally squishing a few crickets as he went.

Gaara, now looking as though he were about to go and commit many, many crimes that were punishable by death, got back to his feet and began stalking back to his house. Kankuro was still home, he remembered. _Hehehe_... [Insert classic bad-guy, homicidal-type laughter.]

"Oi!" Naruto yelped, running after his friend. "You never told me where your new job is at!"

To his credit, it probably isn't Naruto fault that he is an idiot. Before his entire family tragically passed away, most of them had been legally declared insane. And his insane family had somehow decided that dropping their children on their heads was a healthy pastime. Other healthy pastimes included scarring their faces with whisker marks, sniffing paint, eating ramen [which was fairly normal until you saw the vast quantities of ramen consumed] and running in circles screaming: _"I feel pretty"._

This blatant stupidity would prove lucky for Gaara, as he was easily able to not only change the subject of him getting a job to something else... but he was also able to convince Naruto to "help him out" as he "talked" to his brother about "certain things".

And... For the extremely slow people reading this fic, yes, Gaara did get a job at Bob's Diner. He's going to be earning ten dollars an hour [under the table, mind you] to sit in a booth [wearing sequenced clothing] and scare drunks sober. Bob's Diner, as previously stated, never closes. This is why Gaara will be working the Graveyard shift, seeing as he doesn't sleep anyway.

Convenient, ne?  
  


* * *

  
  
A couple of days later and a few hundred dollars richer, Gaara showed up at Naruto's house and shoved a poorly wrapped package into said blonds face. 

"Oro?" Naruto said, staring with complete incomprehension. "What's this?" He poked the 'gift' cautiously; probably worried that it would twitch and try to run away, like some of Gaara's previous 'gifts'.

A paused filled with poking and joyous crickets later, Naruto opened the gift to find: A PINK THONG!!

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrp_.

Hehe, just kidding. Inside the [poorly wrapped] box was: a cell phone. Not only that, but it was a _Cricket_ ™ brand cell phone. Go figure. From his pocket, Gaara pulled out a matching cell phone.

"The phone is yours," Gaara told him, attempting not to acknowledge that he had just done something extremely nice for his only friend, and in that sense did something completely out of character. He suddenly scowled, and began lying down the "Rules of the Cricket™ Phone".

"You must call me at least once a day. Every day. Nobody else can use it. I will be screening all your calls. You are not allowed to use it to call anybody other than Iruka-sensei and me. (Not that you'd call anybody else... seeing as you're as much of a reject as I am.) And don't talk for more than five minutes per call... _I'm_ paying the bill for these."

And the blond idiot was too _overjoyed_ [there's that word again...] at the thought of receiving a gift to care that it came with restrictions. So happy, he was, that he leapt forward and tightly embraced his only friend, hearts dancing in his eyes.

Gaara stiffened slightly, before hesitantly hugging him back and secretly savoring the feeling of Naruto in his arms.

And somewhere in the background of this sappy shonen ai moment, Iruka-sensei was wiping his eyes with a very frilly handkerchief. "My Naru-chan is growing up and falling in love..." he wailed quietly to himself. He sniffed and blew his nose into his frilly handkerchief before adding, "And Gaara is taking my advice about taking it slow! I'm so proud!"

A stray cricket hopped up and stood behind Iruka-sensei. I think you all know what happened next.

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrp_.  
  


* * *

  
  
It was time. Sasuke knew it. 

He had already broken up with Sakura. He had already confessed his feelings to Neji (though he didn't really remember admitting said feelings) and he had already gone "back to school" shopping.

It was time... to visit his only family. His older brother. Uchiha Itachi.

Neji blinked with complete incomprehension as Sasuke led him into a building. Was he dreaming or did that sign they had just passed say: _"Welcome to Happy Homes: A Center for the Incurably Insane"?_

**"SASU-CHAN!"**

Neji blinked and continued to stare with blank eyes as a person clad in a pink dress glomped onto his... boyfriend?

**"SASU-CHAN! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! WHERE DID YOU GO? WHO'S YOUR FRIEND? IS SHE YOUR GIRLFRIEND? CAN I POKE HER? PLEASE?"**

"Itachi!" Sasuke finally shouted, causing quite a few patients to scream and huddle together like frightened hamsters, "shut up!"

**"MOU! SASU-CHAN! YOU'RE ALWAYS SO MEAN TO ME!!"** Itachi continued to wail, still clinging to Sasuke and rubbing his cheek against Sasuke's chest. **"BUT I KNOW YOU'RE JUST SHY!"** Itachi suddenly looked over at Neji again. **"CAN I POKE YOUR FRIEND? PLEASE?"**

Sasuke sighed, turning back to his long haired friend. "Neji... this is my brother Itachi. They've assured me that being insane isn't something you can catch, so don't worry if he attaches himself to you."

Neji blinked at the news that Sasuke not only had a femmy looking brother, but he had a femmy looking brother that lived in an asylum. And that said brother, he noticed, was actually wearing a pink dress. So, all in all, Itachi looked like an older, happier, more cross-dressing version of Sasuke himself.

There was a pause, in which Itachi detached himself from Sasuke and trotted happily over to Neji and began poking him. For each poke, he giggled. Poke, **hehehe**. Poke, **hehehe**. And so on. Neji twitched with each poke as well, so it was really more of: poke, twitch, **hehehe**. Poke, twitch, **hehehe**. Poke, smack, **WAH**!!!!

And Sasuke just sort of stood by, hiding his face in his hands out of sheer embarrassment.

Too bad that Sasuke doesn't have a fan club of crickets.

And now, as we've visited both Naruto and Gaara, and Sasuke and Neji... the author is going to present you with a special story blurb. It's really just a mock-up of those stupid phone commercials, but that doesn't really matter. Let's get to it!

_The stage was black and silent, though if one was listening hard enough, one could hear something akin to chirping. There was sudden bright light, which revealed two boys sitting on a green couch. One clad in black, the other in orange. The boy in black held up a Cricket™ brand cell phone, while the other grinned stupidly._

_"I needed a call plan with which to become even more possessive of him."_

_"...?" The other contributed, with that same stupid smile and otherwise blank expression._

_The scene abruptly shifts to Cricket™ brand cell phone deals, giveaways, plotted murders and what-not._

_Thirty seconds of seizure inducing flashing lights and fast talking later, the scene jumps back to the two boys on the green Cricket™ couch. They haven't moved._

_"I call it my: "He's mine, so you _**[censored] [censored]**_ better keep your_** [censored]**_ hands off of him" plan."_

_The stage fades to black.  
  
  
  


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**  
  
  
  
  
AN:** __Sorry, I couldn't help but add that little commercial in there. But... it was funny, wasn't it? Yes? Maybe? Just a little? Anyway, next time will have a bit of Iruka-sensei waging a war with a bird. I've decided.  
  
  
  
_**_  
Review, please? Help me decide what kind of bird it will be._**


	8. Thou Shall Misinterpret Some Stuff

**Disclaimer:** _. . .  
_**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname 'Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That, and she'll nag me into yelling at you.  
_**Saaski-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname Leeni is copyrighted to Saaski. Use it and die.  
_  
  
  
  
  
**AN: **_You all caught me on a happy night. One, I'm happy because this chapter is up and that Neji is slowly becoming more perverted. Two, I'm happy because I had a good night at work, and three, I'm happy because tomorrow, I'm going to have a good day as well. So, I decided to share the joy and post this now instead of tomorrow morning/afternoon. Heh. BTW, thanks for all of your wonderful bird suggestions. I ended up using Nori-chan's suggestion of "pigeon." Thanks Nori!  
  
  
  
  


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_**Chapter 8**  
  
  
Summer, like all good things, comes to an end. However, unlike everything else, summer likes to end with a hearty bought of malicious laughter while it watches kids get ready for going back to school. School, the prison and torture center of all ages. Unless, you happen to be a teacher, because then you get to torture and imprison, not the other way around.  
  
Ah, back to school. Back to the social circles that have right to kill you if you so much as wear the wrong color. Back to the meaningless relationships that don't usually last more than a week. Back to procrastinating and then failing tests and classes because of it.  
  
"Yay! I love school!" A random passerby freshman shouted for all to hear and for no reason at all. To his credit, he really did mean those words. Seconds later, however, he was run down by a group of seniors who didn't love school. Not just any seniors, though. No, no. This particular freshman was run down by Sasuke and crew. And Sasuke and crew was quickly followed by a rather reluctant Naruto being dragged along by the combined efforts of Gaara, Shukaku and the crickets.  
  
The poor freshman lay on the ground, twitching for a few minutes before springing up and rushing into the school with a happy smile. Being shunned by seniors wasn't going to stop his love for learning! No sir-e! "I've made friends already!" The boy shouted into the bustling hallway, not caring that he was then run over by Sasuke's fan club.  
  
Che. Stupid freshman. They're _always_ in the way.  
  
Now, the author will move the story back to Naruto and Gaara, because honestly - nobody wants to read about a freshman. The latter of the two was unpacking his things into his locker, while the former was comparing their class schedules.  
  
"Ne, Gaara," Naruto said a few minutes later. "Did you notice that ever since I got to this school we've been in all of the same classes? And that even though our last names are completely different that we have the same counselor? ...What is your last name, anyway?"  
  
"..." Gaara replied, deciding that the question about his last name wasn't worthy of an answer. And the red haired Icon of Terror was not willing to admit that the two boys only had identical schedules because he had frightened the scheduling lady into making it so... for the past two and a half years. The red head then shut his locker door and began dragging his still reluctant friend down the hallway towards their first class, English, which was taught by a man named Enbui-sensei.  
  
Enbui-sensei couldn't speak English himself, so the class was really just a waste of time. He just rambled at them in Japanese for a while, while the class attempted to stay awake.  
  
Surprisingly, Gaara was the only one who failed at this task. His head thumped onto his extremely hard desk with a rather audible thump, a bit of drool dripping from his mouth. He was probably dreaming about Naruto again - the only thing that could reduce the red head to drooling.  
  
Shukaku took this very opportune moment to jump into Gaara's body and take over his personality.  
  
**"Hey you stupid man!"** Gaara suddenly shouted in that voice which was _way_ too femmy to be his own - and in perfect English. Shukaku somehow managed to force the red head to stand up, even though he was still asleep, and did his best to point one finger at Enbui-sensei. **"I am Shukaku no Tanuki! I am a part of this fanfiction! _BWAHAHAHA!!!"_  
**  
Dead silence.  
  
Naruto laughed, somehow having understood it all, even though he didn't speak English either.  
  
More silence.  
  
Enbui-sensei fled from the room, for he probably feared Gaara more than anybody else at that point.  
  
A lonely wind blew by, even though none of the classroom windows were open.  
  
Naruto continued laughing.  
  
Gaara woke up and sat back down in his seat, not noticing that sand was dripping off of his body and swirling around him. Shukaku waddled happily away, glad his message had gotten across.  
  
And the school year started just like any other.  
  
  
  
The school year for Iruka-sensei started off fairly well, considering he wasn't being stalked by crickets or being possessed by a raccoon. To tell the truth, the school year started off better than fairly well, because he was promoted to Head Counselor. Which came with a pay-raise and a new, better, bigger office.  
  
An office with a _view_.  
  
A view of the parking lot, and his recently repaired and suped-up car.  
  
A view of his car, and the flock of pigeons circling it with predatory gleams in their beady little eyes.  
  
A view of Iruka-sensei, standing on the hood of his newly suped-up car, holding a bow and a quiver of arrows, aiming up at the flock of circling pigeons, with a growing pile of impaled birds on the ground.  
  
And a view of Iruka-sensei, running out of arrows, which triggered an all out attack of pigeons against both him and his car. His just repaired, newly suped-up car.  
  
"This is war!" Iruka-sensei screamed, dragging his bruised, bloody and bird-doo covered self back into his new office. [An office with a view...] "I'll get more arrows! You'll see! _I WON'T LOSE!!!"  
_  
A few minutes later, and the blinds of his window firmly shut, there came a knock on his door. Iruka-sensei, who had somehow managed to revert back to his previous bloodless, bird-poo-less, bruiseless self, shuffled a few papers importantly and called out a brief: "It's open."  
  
He didn't look up as the door opened and in walked in Hatake Kakashi. The Kakashi that had helped train him for the Hundred Foots race during the summer. The Kakashi with whom he had shared a sappy shonen-ai moment or two with in chapter five. The Kakashi who had repaired and suped-up his car. The car that was being attacked by vengeful pigeons.  
  
"Iru-chan!" Kakashi squeeled with a grin, though his grin was hidden behind a tastefully placed mask. The man pounced, pinning Iruka-sensei to his nice, new chair with a glomp that only met "acceptable" by the lowest of standards. Any other standards, and the glomp was positivly perverted.  
  
Well, it was Kakashi, after all. Of course it could be seen as perverted.  
  
"Kakashi," Iruka-sensei wheezed, his breath ripped rather savagely from his lungs in responce to the above mentioned perverted glomp. "I can't breath!" He flailed about for a moment or two, before realizing that flailing wasn't doing anything but using up the precious oxygen he had managed to retain in his lungs.  
  
Kakashi, however, didn't seem prone to letting go of Iruka-sensei, so said sensei simply let his precious air go in a sigh and watched as hulicinations from lack of air danced across the walls. He passed out about three seconds later.  
  
Naturally, at this point in the story, you can bet that the author is going to refer to herself and her story writing abilties. Like, how the next thing to happen is going to be a typical "wrong reaction" to the above sequence of glomping events. Once saying this, the reader [that being _you_] should come to the conclusion that somebody is going to enter Iruka-sensei's new and better office to see something that they will then misinterpret.  
  
Anyway, let's get to it.  
  
Neji stood outside the head counslors office door, his hand poised to knock. He had been standing frozen like that for about two minutes, ever since he had seen Gaara storming by [a trail of sand following in his wake] with Naruto chasing after him with a panicked expression on his face. Gathering his wits back, Neji turned back to the door and knocked twice before deciding he had given enough warning of his presence before opening the door.  
  
What he saw, forced him to freeze longer than the Gaara/Naruto moment in the hallway, which wasn't really a Gaara/Naruto moment when you thought about it. It was just a moment that involved Gaara and Naruto. Anyway, this was deffinetly a _moment_.  
  
Iruka-sensei lay on the floor of the office, his face slightly flushed, and a soft groan leaving his lips. Kakashi was straddling his hips and leaning down so that his chest was flush against Iruka-sensei's.  
  
A trickle of blood exited Neji's nose.  
  
He ended up needing to be sent for a blood transfusion at a local hospital about twenty minutes of uncomfortable silence later. Please note that this silence didn't involve crickets. Neji doesn't have a fan club of crickets.  
  
And for some reason, rumors began to circulate about Iruka-sensei and Kakashi.  
  
And, naturally, in addition to all of the above events, Neji began to have frequent nosebleeds. Especially if he were in a fifty foot radius of Iruka-sensei or Kakashi. However, the nosebleeds would start in a fifty meter radius for Sasuke.  
  
It could be said that Neji is starting to turn into a pervert. Yes, it can be said.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**AN: **_I'd probably be happier if I got some wonderful reviews. _


	9. Thou Shall Have Unlucky Friends

**Disclaimer:** _don't make me cry.  
_**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname_ **'Sagi-chan** _is copyrighted to _**Kuroi**_. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That, and she'll nag me into yelling at you._  
**Saaski-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname_ **Leeni-chan** _is copyrighted to _**Saaski**_. Use it and die.  
  
  
  
  
_**AN:** _Welcome all to chapter nine of_ The Cricket Club. _This time you managed to catch me as I'm falling asleep in front of my monitor._ starts to doze off jerks awake _Ahem, anyway. Let me just cut to the gist... I have a few things I want to clear up about this fic. I rated this fic_ PG-13 _for personal paranoia reasons. Don't forget that I've censored all "bad words" which was really just for a humorous effect, but it serves both purposes and leaves much to the imagination. That being said, there won't be any sexy/smutty scenes in this fic. Sorry all. And... to those I offended with the freshmen comments last chapter... don't worry. I'm a freshman too. Because I'm a college freshman, updates might slow, I'm not sure yet. That's it, enjoy the update.  
  
  
  
_**Chapter 9  
  
**Okay so by chapter nine, there needs to be a brief recount of the story thus far. This brief detour from the actual story line may or may not include any of the following: flashbacks which are the least likely to appear, recaps being the most likely to occur, and jokes that you can only understand if you have understood every joke in the eight chapters prior.  
  
So, let's get it over with.  
  
Now, in the first few chapters we established quite a few things. Most importantly being characters and their relationships to each other. This set the setting for numerous jokes. These relationships aren't just the romantic kind, of course, but also friendships, stalkers, enemies and annoyances. Later, we found that Gaara harbors some not so secret feelings for Naruto, who is stupid and doesn't notice. We also learned that Sasuke prefers Neji to Sakura, Itachi is an insane cross-dresser, Kakashi likes Iruka-sensei, and that pigeons are quite evil. This all goes without saying you need to have a fan club of crickets to have an interesting life. Not to mention, that the author doesn't have a very interesting life, because she doesn't have a fan club of crickets either.  
  
And, in addition to all of that, you might or might not have noticed that at the end of the last chapter... a plot was born!  
  
How about a flashback?  
  
_##Neji stood outside the head counselors office door, his hand poised to knock...##  
_  
No, a little after that.  
  
_##A trickle of blood exited Neji's nose.##_  
  
Believe it or not, Neji _isn't_ really a part of the newly developed plot. Let's try the dreaded flashback again...  
  
_##Rumors began to circulate about Iruka-sensei and Kakashi.##_  
  
Ah, there we go.  
  
Now, from the above sentence the reader(s) should come to the conclusion that the newly developed plot line will include Kakashi and Iruka-sensei's supposed kinky relationship. Of course, to understand why their relationship is suddenly "kinky" the author will have to reveal to you the moment that the reasons for Neji's blood transfusions is revealed to the wrong person.  
  
That means getting back to the story and away from the author's stupid ramblings. _Yay_!  
  
Neji lay back in his hospital provided bed, occasionally twitching as a certain yaoi scene flashed before his pearly eyes. Beside his bed sat his cousin Hinata, who had brought him his homework. She had also scolded him, but given Hinata's completely unthreatening nature, the lecture had absolutely no effect what-so-ever. Said lecture didn't even bother with the "in one ear and out the other" by simply bypassing the bed-ridden boy to fly out the window.  
  
The pale eyed girl was now doing her best not to hover over her cousin too obviously. He was pale enough as it was, he couldn't afford to lose any more blood.  
  
Obviously, Neji is going to lose a lot more blood before this hospital visit is over.  
  
The hospital door slid open, attracting the attention of both Hyuuga's. And there stood Sasuke, looking completely out of breath, as though he had run from school to the hospital. His hair was ruffled, his clothes in a complete disarray, cheeks pinked slightly. And because of Neji's newly perverted state, his blood once again began flowing.  
  
Hinata ran for the nurse, shouting something about needing more blood.  
  
"Neji..." Sasuke panted, stalking closer to his boyfriend's bed and nearly pouncing on it as though Neji were his prey. Neji, of course, was nursing his nosebleed, so he was unable to comment on Sasuke's out-of-character personality. It probably didn't help that Sasuke was now straddling Neji's hips.  
  
"S-s-sas...uke..."  
  
"You're bleeding." Sasuke commented, not bothering to comment that he was obviously "seme" at the current moment, not "uke" as the real uke seemed to think. He leant down slightly and fixed his gaze upon Neji's nose. "Any particular reason why?"  
  
Those words only caused Neji's blood loosing situation to quicken. In addition to that, his eyes became half lidded and his cheeks flushed a pretty shade of pink.  
  
Sasuke twitched slightly in curiosity, and leaned down a bit further, so that his chest was flush against Neji's. Said pupil-less boy started bleeding even faster, if that's even possible by this point, which prompted the self proclaimed "seme of the moment" to frown.  
  
"Oi, Sasuke," a voice at the door commented, in what seemed to be a scolding tone. "You should get off of him, he's being rather perverted at the moment, and you really aren't helping at all."  
  
The two on the bed looked over, and there stood Kakashi, grinning at them through his mask. Neji took that moment to pass out. Hinata and a blood bearing nurse ran into the room a few seconds later.  
  
Hinata squeaked and quickly averted her gaze from Sasuke and Neji to a wall. The nurse oggled.  
  
"Kakashi nii-san," Sasuke wondered, climbing off of his unconscious boyfriend. "How do you know?"  
  
"Ano... he sort of caught me and Iru-chan in the counselors office in the position that you were just in..."  
  
"_Iruka_-sensei? Uzumaki _Naruto's_ guardian?" Sasuke demanded.  
  
Kakashi nodded proudly.  
  
Blood spurted out of Hinata's nose, which went unnoticed to all except the devoted member of the Bishonen-ai fan club, and the nurse. Kakashi and Iruka-sensei? The pale skinned girl was in bliss. The nurse just left for another bag of blood.  
  
Didn't see that one coming, did you?  
  
The author is thinking that this is a good moment to reveal Sasuke's current living situation. After his entire family mysteriously died and his brother was put into Happy Homes, he was adopted read: abducted by Kakashi on a night when said man was seriously drunk. So, Sasuke lives with Kakashi. Meaning, if Kakashi and Iruka were to actually announce their relationship to the public, Sasuke and Naruto... well... they'd probably be something akin to brothers... or something.  
  
But, seeing as Iruka-sensei loves living in the proverbial closet, that relationship won't take place for a while, so Sasuke and Naruto are safe.  
  
And speaking of Naruto... let's see what he's up to, shall we? Read: the author is getting bored with details and wants to get on with the story.  
  
"But... _Gaara_!" Our happy, cricket wielding, blond hero wailed, clutching onto his red haired, stalked-by-a-raccoon, slightly homicidal best friend's arm. "They just moved in and I really want to meet them!"  
  
"No." Gaara said firmly and doing his best not to show his pleasure that Naruto was clinging to him. "Anybody who raises deer for a living can't be a good person. I won't allow you to associate with people like that."  
  
"But I heard-"  
  
"No."  
  
"But they-"  
  
_**"NO!"  
**_  
Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrp_.  
  
"Gaara! You're a _meanie_!"  
  
Gaara froze, those last words washing over his stunned self like arctic cold water. And Gaara doesn't like the cold, so those words really didn't feel nice. The red head chanced a glance over at his blond haired, not-so-secret crush, taking in the over dramatic "anime river of tears" said blond was sporting, before heaving a large anime "mushroom sigh".  
  
"Fine... we'll go give the Nara's some cookies..."  
  
"_WAI_! Gaara! You're the best!" And with those words, Naruto glomped onto Gaara, little sparkles dancing around his head.  
  
Needless to say, Gaara melted into a happy little puddle of goo. He only reverted back into a solid state when the remembrance of the fact that he and Naruto were going to do something completely out of character bounced back into the portion of Gaara-goo that was equivalent to his head.  
  
And so, the two protagonists of this story went on their way to visit Naruto's new next door neighbors, the Nara's. Little did they know that the author was plotting a serious plot twist and the introduction of a new main character!  
  
**MWAHAHA!**  
  
Chirp. _Chirrrrrrp_.  
  
Naruto pranced happily down the sidewalk and up the walk to the house next to his, Gaara trailing behind him and oggling his erm, hind quarters. The blond, who was holding onto a plate of cookies chocolate chip, if anybody cares, laughed happilly and then promptly tripped over the two legs that he hadn't seen in his path.  
  
"Naruto-chan!" Gaara shouted, or, would have shouted if he were currently out of character. Sadly, Gaara is currently in character, so what he really said was ****  
  
"Oi! You should be more careful about where you leave your legs!" Naruto scolded the person he had just tripped over.  
  
Said person happens to be the new character that the author was talking about.  
  
"Go prance somewhere else," a rather lazy sounding voice drolled. "You're troublesome."  
  
"I'll prance where and when I want to!" Naruto shot back, scrambling to his feet and glaring down at the lazy one on the ground. The blond then noticed that he had dropped his plate of cookies in the dirt and began wailing. "Wah! Iruka-sensei had just made those cookies too! They were for the Nara's! You're mean!"  
  
The boy sweatdropped, his eyes also landing on the cookies in the dirt.  
  
"My name is **Nara** Shikamaru." He said, slowly getting to his feet and casting his eyes to the ground. "I also have the worst luck in the world."  
  
****Gaara said as his own introduction and warning as to not get too close to Naruto. ****He added, stating that Naruto was his and he would kill anybody who stated otherwise.  
  
"What did he say?" Shikamaru asked, casing a lazy eye towards Naruto.  
  
"Ehehe..." Said blond rubbed the back of his next in a nervous manner. "He said that his name is Gaara."  
  
"And you are?"  
  
"Uzumaki Naruto! Nice to meet you! Let's be friends, you'll fit in with me and Gaara cause nobody likes us. Well, nobody likes me, and they're all scared of Gaara. I have a fan club of crickets, and Gaara..."  
  
"Is being stalked by a raccoon that nobody can see?"  
  
"Yeah... hey, how did you know that?"  
  
Shikamaru pointed to where Shukaku and the crickets were munching happilly on the cookies that had fallen in the dirt.  
  
****Gaara muttered, kicking Shukaku away from the cookies. Really, he just wanted to kick the raccoon because he had just fallen into a homicidial rage that Naruto had a new friend. Wasn't he enough for Naruto anymore? sobsob  
  
"Ne, Shikamaru," Naruto suddenly said, clapping his fist into his open palm, signifying that he had just realized something. "You said you have the worst luck in the world... why?"  
  
"Because my mother cursed me with bad luck right before she was institutionalized."  
  
"Ano... what were you doing just now?"  
  
"Watching clouds."  
  
Naruto and Gaara both looked up at the cloudless sky, before glancing back at Shikamaru with skeptical expressions on their faces. Sheesh, one can't watch clouds on a cloudless day - how stupid was this kid?  
  
Chirp. _Chirrrrrp_.  
  
"Anyway," Shikamaru said, turning back to Naruto. "I'm bisexual, and you're cute. Wanna go out sometime?"  
  
He obviously missed Gaara's very pointed warnings of "Naruto is mine so you better keep away if you know what's good for you".  
  
"I always had a thing for red heads," Shikamaru continued, now glancing over at Gaara with a contemplating look in his eye.  
  
"I prefer blonds." Gaara retorted, slinging a possessive arm around Naruto's shoulders.  
  
Shikamaru, whose hair was as black as they come, sighed and nodded.  
  
And the crickets would be chirping right now, if they weren't chowing down a bunch of cookies. Shukaku, however, took the moment to try and bite the new characters ankles. Shikamaru kicked the raccoon away, and for some reason, the three boys became the best of friends.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**AN:** _my friend told me I should add Shikamaru to this fic, so there he is, a new main character. We also decided he should have the worst luck in the world - plus be stalked by Ino. So, that will be in the next chapter, along with a little more "plot developmen," and maybe a little more Sasuke torture as well.  
  
  
  
**REVIEW DAMNIT!**_


	10. Thou Shall Not Like Sponges

**Disclaimer: **_first chapter, because I'm too lazy to write it... again._**  
Kuroi-chan's disclaimer: **_The nickname Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That and she'll nag me into yelling at you._**  
Saaski-chan's disclaimer: **_The nickname Leeni-chan is copyrighted to Saaski. Use it and die.  
  
  
  
_**  
  
AN: **_Greetings and my apologies for the delay and stupidity of this chapter. I would like to request right now that the reader(s) please ignore any and all Sponge-Bob references in this chapter. At the same time, I would like to apologize in advance if the accursed song of doom gets stuck in your head(s). That being said, I will now dedicate this chapter to... er... the thirty-third person who reviews it. Congratulations, **you** win._**  
  
  
  


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Chapter 10  
  
**Sasuke stared at his Life Experiences teacher with a look that managed to combine utter hatred and complete horror. He had not just heard those words come out of the man's mouth. He would have understood if their next project had been something simple that involved a lot of bookwork. Or even group work, he could have dealt with that.****

But this... this was _unthinkable_.

This... was _torture_.

Maybe he could kill Jiraiya-sensei and get himself out of the assignment.

Chirp. _Chirr_- oh, it isn't even worth it any more.

Across the room, Naruto was discussing the same project with Gaara and Shikamaru with obvious enthusiasm. Gaara and Shikamaru, on the other hand weren't really paying any attention to their blond friend in favor of looking over the handout that described their assignment.

"A field trip to "Happy Homes: A Center for the Incurably Insane"," Gaara muttered, reading over the main heading again to make sure he hadn't misread it in his shock.

"In which a group of three is supposed to talk to one of the patients and come to an understanding about different types of insanity." Shikamaru continued reading, his lazy voice sounding distinctly annoyed.

"There's even a list of the possible patients!" Naruto said, pointing to the second sheet in which a long list of names was typed neatly.

"How troublesome," Shikamaru decided before bending over his desk and proceeding to take a nap.

Gaara glared at him enviously before turning back to the list Naruto was holding.

Naturally, this was just a cheep excuse to be a little closer to Naruto that he had been two seconds ago.

"Let's see," Naruto said, scanning the relatively short list of patient's names. "These are supposed to be the sanest of the lot..." He blinked staring down at one of the names before turning over to Shikamaru.

"Oi!" He said, poking said sleeping boy. "Did you know that your mothers name is on this list?"

Sasuke, having somehow heard this from the other side of the room, perked up, thinking that perhaps somebody else could share his pain.

Shikamaru, however, just shrugged and responded with a: "I told you, my mother cursed me with bad luck before she was institutionalized. What did you think I meant by that?"

Naruto shrugged and turned back to the list. "My brain has never been my strongest feature." He said offhandedly.

Gaara, Shukaku and the crickets nodded their agreement.

"Hey!" Naruto said, still staring at the list of names. "That name looks familiar too!"

"You mean, **Uchiha Itachi**?" Gaara asked loudly, attracting the attention of the entire class.

"No, I already knew that _Sasuke's_ _Older Brother_ was a Complete _Loony_. I was talking about this name here, right under _Sasuke's_ Cross-Dressing and Really Stupid _Brother_." He pointed at the name underneath 'Uchiha Itachi' at the name that simply read: "_Ino_."

There was no family name, it was simply: "_Ino_."

Naruto left himself to ponder over this strange name, while the rest of the class crowded around Sasuke, begging to know details about his insane brother. Sasuke, while doing the classic teenage: _"I wish the floor would open up right now and swallow me"_ thing, proceeded to add: _"And I realllllllllllly wish that somebody would figure out how amazingly **gay** Naruto is and make **his** life a living hell"._ He sure as hell wasn't going to tell anyone – Sasuke valued his life too much for Gaara to kill him at an early age – but somebody was bound to figure it out.

Eventually.

And, as stated in the last two chapters, rumors were already circulating about Iruka-sensei and Kakashi. However, it seemed that the latest development in Sasuke's life had just sent those rumors back to the mill for at least two more chapters.

Sasuke turned to his boyfriend Neji, who was doing his best to think only clean and pure thoughts. "Neji..." the Uchiha whined. "Is mass murder still illegal?"

"Unfortunately," Neji replied, staring at the group of fan-girls surrounding _his_ Sasuke-chan.

"Okay class!" Jiraiya-sensei said, beaming at them. "We're off for a day at Happy Homes!"

Naruto cheered while Sasuke groaned.

Neji desperately tried to hold back another nosebleed.

Gaara kicked Shikamaru in order to wake him up, and the rest of the class shuffled along to the beat up vehicle that the Konoha School District liked to pretend was a bus. Well, it might have been a bus at one time... a long, long, _long_ time ago. But now... it was like a death-trap... on wheels.

"I'm starting to feel this unlucky curse a little bit more, for some reason," Shikamaru said randomly, staring up at the rusted over er... former bus.

Naruto sweatdropped. "Don't worry," he tried to consol his new friend. "Gaara will manage to kill somebody with sand before this bus fails the school."

Shikamaru eyed Gaara for a moment, taking in the swirl of sand around said red heads feet that seemed to move along with his will. He wasn't reassured.

Gaara smirked ferally at the boy before stepping onto the bus. "Naruto," he barked, sending the rest of the class diving under the shredded seats. "Come sit with me."

"But what about Shikamaru?" Naruto asked, climbing on the bus and sitting down next to his friend.

Gaara shrugged and glared at Shikamaru – who had taken the seat across the aisle from them – and then at Rock Lee, who happened to be sitting there as well.

Lee quaked under the glare and immediately began running over his mental list of things not to say around Gaara. **1)** Nothing about eye makeup. **2)** Nothing about anything at all. **3)** Just don't talk! _Seems easy enough_, Lee thought to himself.

"Are ya' ready kids?" Jiraiya-sensei hollered, leaping into the driver's seat and turning the key. The bus began shaking violently.

"Aye, aye, Captian!" Lee shouted over the noise of the bus.

Chirp. _Chirrp_?

The rest of the class sweatdropped at the very obvious Sponge-Bob refrence, while the author beat herself with a stupid stick.

"What?" Jiraiya-sensei shouted, unsure if somebody had spoken or not. "I can't hear you!"

"I said! Aye, aye, Captian!" Lee shouted again, just as the bus stalled and went silent.

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp_.

**(At this moment, there will be a pause while the author tries to salvage the fic, please do not mind this delay. (**_Insert elevator music and dancing chibi's over the sound of chainsaws) _******Thank you, the author is fairly certain that the problem has been solved and that Sponge-Bob has been successfully killed.)**

"Dude," Naruto commented into the silence of the bus, turning all attention back to him. "He's even dorkier than I am."

Gaara, always willing to make fun of Lee, nodded his agreement. The rest of the class hastened to follow, not wanting to disagree with something that Gaara so passionately believed.

Shukaku chuckled sadistically and removed his teeth from Lee's ankles. Finally! He had managed to get into Gaara's good graces! He had managed to manipulate the one that Gaara hated (though, not at much as he hated Sasuke) and put him Shukaku back into Gaara's good graces.

Or, the raccoon would have if anybody other than Naruto could ever be in Gaara's good graces.

Thankfully, the bus ride to Happy Homes was quickly skipped over so that some real Sasuke-Torture and Shikamaru-Torture could begin.

**"SASU-CHAN!"** A voice screamed over the din of the still slowing bus.

A pink clad figure dove in front of the oncoming vehicle, and Jiraiya-sensei only barely managed to avoid a life-time sentence for Vehicular Manslaughter.

"How does he know you're on the bus?" Neji wondered, staring wide-eyed as a few orderlies rushed out of the brick building to attempt restraining Itachi.

Sasuke just shook his head in denial.

**"SASU-CHAN! I KNOW YOU'RE THERE! YOU CAME TO SEE ME AGAIN! DID YOU BRING YOUR FLATCHESTED GIRLFRIEND AGAIN? CAN I POKE HER AGAIN?!"** Itachi continued to scream, even though he had been sedated and was now restrained in a straightjacket.

Sasuke started beating his head against the window, hoping to save himself with unconsciousness.

Meanwhile, everybody else had gotten off of the bus and was now giving the screaming patient a wide berth on their way into the main lobby of Happy Homes. At least two dozen other patients were cowering in corners, screaming, or sobbing uncontrollably.

Naruto's group however – which consisted of himself, Gaara and Shikamaru – was still outside, standing near Itachi.

"I like you." Naruto decided, smiling widely at Itachi. "Can we study you for scientific reasons? We promise not to inject any poisons into your bloodstream."

Gaara frowned, not liking that last part at all. Shikamaru stared up at the clouds.

Itachi stared at the blond for a moment before squealing and glomping him. Or, trying to glomp him. It didn't quite work because of the little fact that he was still wearing a straightjacket.

**"SASU-CHAN!"** Itachi screamed. "**I LIKE YOUR BLOND FRIEND! HE'S BETTER THEN THE FLATCHESTED GIRL! CAN I KEEP HIM?!"**

Naruto beamed while Gaara and Shikamaru growled angrily.

Still on the bus, Sasuke finally managed to beat himself unconscious, and Neji was sporting a new nosebleed. This is because the author has no idea what else to do with Neji at this point, so she will simply have him pass out as well.

Back to Naruto... at this point, the blond is leading his new test-subject back into the Happy Homes lobby, Gaara and Shikamaru trailing dejectedly along behind him.

All three of them failed to notice that a certain blond haired girl was now trailing Shikamaru (and hence all of them) into the building. They also failed to notice when said girl hid behind the couch they were now occupying and when she started snapping pictures of Shikamaru with a very old, and thus very loud, tri-pod "spy camera".

"Ino!" A nurse screamed twenty minutes later, causing each and every patient other than Itachi to scream. Itachi simply waved at the nurse happily, having been released from his jacket a few minutes prior.

"Orochimaru-san," the girl behind the couch whimpered, her blue eyes going wide as a nurse wearing a pretty pink kimono stomped up to them.

**"ORO-CHAN!"** Itachi squealed jumping up and glomping onto the nurse. **"YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!! I THOUGHT THAT POINSON WOULD GET YOU FOR SURE!!"**

Naruto sweatdropped.

The crickets hopped up for a timely bout of chirping.

A random patient ran by, Shukaku hot on his ankles.

The nurse, Orochimaru, glared down at the cross-dresser in his arms. "Unfortunately for you, Uchiha," he muttered. "I happen to be immortal. _BWAHAHAHA!"_

**"YEAH. GO FIGURE."** Itachi mused at the top of his vocal chords.

"Anyway," Orochimaru-san said, turning back to Ino, who had just snapped another twenty or so pictures of Shikamaru, who still hadn't noticed her. "Ino, it is time for your flower arrangement class."

Ino ignored him in favor of readjusting her tri-pod to catch a better angle.

"Ino! Get the **(censored)** into the flower class before I (**ensored) (censored) (censored)**!"

Ino screamed, finally gaining the attention of Shikamaru, before she hoisted her tripod onto her shoulder and bolted, hitting a wall or two in her desperate attempt to leave the lobby.

_"You can't catch me!"_ She cried before disappearing completely. _"I'm the gingerbread man!"  
  
_**  
-A few hours later, back on the bus-  
  
  
**"Sasuke! You should have told me your brother was so cool!" Naruto enthused, grinning happily at the now conscious Moody-Teen.

"You should have told me that your guardian is a closet homosexual." Sasuke replied meanly.

"I could say the same for yours," Gaara snarled, doing his best to comfort Naruto's shocked self.

The rest of the bus ride was silent, except for Lee, who was now humming the Sponge-Bob-Square-Pants theme song, having gotten it stuck in his head a few hours prior. Ha-ha, the poor soul. The author knows well the pain of having _that_ song stuck in her head.  
  
  
  
  
  


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**AN:** _Again, please don't kill me for the Sponge-Bob references. Those were mistakes. That being said... I'm thinking that Gaara will be singing the Doom Song next chapter. Maybe a little more plot development as well._

_Maybe._  
  
****


	11. Thou Shall Not Stare At Blonds

**Disclaimer: **_well, it's hidden around here somewhere... I'm sure you'll find it eventually._**  
Kuroi-chan's Disclaimer**: _The nickname _**Sagi-chan**_ is copyrighted to _**Kuroi**_. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That and she'll nag me into yelling at you._  
**Saaski-chan's Disclaimer**: _The nickname _**Leeni-chan**_ is copyrighted to _**Saaski**_. Use it and die._

**  
  
AN: **_So, this time instead of rambling at you with nothing really to say, I think that I'll clear up some things about me and this story. First off, I am only one person. Sagi-chan and Leeni-chan are both my nicknames – the disclaimers are just there cause I'd be killed if they weren't. Secondly, I'm sure you all have noticed that this fic is rated PG-13. Well, that's because there will be _**no sex and/or lemon and/or lime scenes**_ at any time during this fic. On that note I'd like to add that begging for one will not get you one _(I can't write those worth shit). _However, if you wish to write one, you must first ask and then send it to me. _(Doubts it will happen.) _And on a final note... er... The official title of this chapter is "_**Chapter 11: The "It has nothing to do with Halloween" Special"**_. But... it's also two days late so the title doesn't really apply. Enjoy the chapter!  
  
  


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_**Chapter 11  
  
  
**So, the story about Sasuke's insane brother soon faded into the background of the authors mind. And Iruka-sensei's personal life once again became the talk of Konoha High, meaning that the plot was again back on schedule. However, this time it's different because the author will talk about the plot, rather than mentioning it and then dropping the subject like a dead badger.

Naturally, Iruka-sensei wasn't aware of the rumors. But he was a bit occupied trying to keep his relationship with Kakashi alive and trying to keep a certain vengeful flock of pigeons away from his car. Oh, and he did his job as head counselor too - but that's irrelevant to the story at hand.

This is going to mean that Naruto was bearing the weight of all the rumors.

It's kind of pathetic to say that he's probably at the peak of his popularity.

Gaara and Shikamaru, on the other hand, weren't especially pleased that people were harassing _their_ Naru-chan. And Gaara was extremely displeased that Shikamaru was claiming Naruto was his, when Naruto was so **obviously** Gaara's.

Chirp. _Chirrrrp_.

"Did you hear?" Kids would shout to each other as Naruto passed them in the hallways at school. "Uzumaki's guardian - Iruka-sensei - is gay!"

"Yeah! I heard that too! And I can tell it is _soooo_ true!"

Naruto, being completely oblivious, didn't notice these shouts however, and continued on his way to class. In class, it was only slightly less obvious that people were spreading rumors about him and his beloved guardian.

Of course, Naruto spent every class period sitting between Gaara and Shikamaru - squirming under the intense glares that each sent the other. So, he didn't notice his popularity increase during classes either.

"Naruto, you _really_ are stupid, aren't you?" Shikamaru asked one day at lunch.

"Of course." Naruto grinned while shoving that day's lunch special "Ramen Surprise" down his throat. "That's what makes me so lovable. Ne, Gaara?"

Gaara choked on his own Ramen Surprise before nodding with a faint blush.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. Gaara's crush on Naruto would only be more obvious if he stalked him with an old tri-pod camera. Speaking of... a suspicious clicking noise could be heard from three tables over. Shikamaru turned, just in time to see an old tri-pod camera be whisked away by a blond girl who was screaming about gingerbread men. The lazy boy sighed, once again cursing his bad luck.

On the other side of the cafeteria, Neji was exercising amazing control as he and Sasuke discussed what he had missed during that day's gym class. Amazing control, because the boy's gym uniform consisted of super short-shorts, and rather skimpy tops. And when Sasuke had dunked that basketball, Neji could see right up his shorts.

The fact that Sasuke chose to go commando... well, Neji was in bliss (and the infirmary) for quite a while after class.

That was why the two were discussing what Neji had missed. Apparently, Sasuke had dunked the ball four more times while Neji had been gone. And the janitor wasn't very happy that he now had to clean up a blood trail leading from the gym to the nurse's office.

"He was apparently muttering about perverted teenagers," Sasuke told his boyfriend with a smirk, remembering how annoyed the janitor had been. "There's apparently been a lot of that going around."

"Shouldn't you have a concussion?" Neji suddenly wondered, remembering how Sasuke was beating his head against an old bus window in the previous chapter.

"Erm... yeah." Sasuke suddenly remembered, reaching up with one hand to cradle his damaged hair. "I forgot. Owww... this loud room is making my head hurt..."

The author coughed and decided to move on with the story.

"Sasuke!" A voice called over the din of the cafeteria. "Have you heard the latest plot device?"

Sasuke blinked and turned towards the voice. Haruno Sakura plopped down next to her ex-boyfriend and snuggled up close. "They're saying that Iruka-sensei is gay! And that Naruto is gay! And that Shikamaru is gay-"

"I'm bi!" Shikamaru shouted from the other end of the cafeteria.

Sakura ignored him and continued on with spilling the latest plot devices. "-And that _you_ are-"

"Get off of him!" Neji shouted, lunging over the table and forcibly removing the pink haired parasite from Sasuke's arm.

Sakura stared at him with wide-eyed surprise from her new vantage spot on the floor.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and continued eating his lunch. This eye roll, which the author has decided to translate for the reader(s), translates to a panicked _"why? **WHY**?!?!"._

Neji, feeling suddenly stupid that he had lunged across a lunchroom table to defend his boyfriend from a minimal threat, slowly slinked back into his own seat and resumed eating his brown-bag lunch with relative calm.

Silence resumed, while Sakura tried to decide what to do with herself. Naturally, sinking into the floor, while a nice option to think about, wasn't going to work. So, she chose the next best thing.

"Hey look! Five dollars! That's awesome considering we live in Japan!!" Sakura, having now reclaimed her dignity stood up, brushed herself off, and walked out of the cafeteria in order to cry in the girl's bathroom.

Silence resumed for the second time at the Uchiha-Hyuuga table.

This silence, however, was broken - causing both boys to jump and cower - when Gaara began screaming at a random freshman searching for a place to sit at the wrong table.

"(**Censored**)!" The red heads voice echoed in the suddenly quiet lunch room. "Don't make me sing the Doom Song!"

Chirp. _Chirrrrp_.

The freshman ran to eat lunch in the bathroom.

"Ne, Gaara," Naruto's voice rang through the mostly empty lunch-room. Empty because most of the students had fled at Gaara's first censored shout. "Would you _really_ sing the Doom Song if provoked enough?"

One of Gaara's eyebrows twitched.

The remaining portion of the student body only managed to knock down one wall in their desperate attempt to find an exit.

Shikamaru perked right about then. "I'd like to hear more about this Invader Zim reference." He announced.

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrp_.

Gaara glared, causing even the fearless lunch ladies to take cover behind their industrial sized kitchen appliances.

Fortunately, before the red head could begin committing homicide, the bell rang and the three boys were whisked back to their classes by the author.

Guess what class this is. Life Experiences!

"Today," Jiraiya-sensei announced the moment that everybody had taken their seats. "We will meet in groups to discuss... **_alternate lifestyles!"_**

As though they had practiced the action, the entire class turned to look directly at Naruto. Naruto, however, was staring at Sasuke - who was peering worriedly at a pale and becoming paler Neji.

"Sensei, Neji's bleeding again..." the blond idiot said, turning back to Jiraiya-sensei, five cricket filled minutes later. However, turning away from laughing at Sasuke and Neji brought to his attention what the crickets couldn't.

He was being stared at.

_"Gaara! SAVE ME!"_ The blond cried out. _"Their eyes! It **burns**!"_

Gaara grinned malevolently as Naruto latched onto his arm. And his sand, which had first appeared when Shukaku took over his body for the second time, rushed out in an attempt to gouge out twenty pairs of staring eyes.

The only ones who were saved were: Shikamaru - who was sleeping. Neji – for he was unconscious due to blood loss. Sasuke – because he was panicking about Neji in a very out of character manner. Naruto – for, well, obvious reasons. And strangely enough, Jiraiya-sensei – because he was busy writing the next volume of Icha Icha Paradise, and thus not paying any attention to his class.

And, if you tuned out the terror filled screams and malicious laughter, it was another fun filled day at Konoha High.  
  
  
  
  
  


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**  
AN:** _I would like to take this time to ask you to read the authors note above, and if you have any questions feel free to e-mail me._ _And... I'm thinking that next chapter, _**Naruto will be "enlightened" about both Gaara, _and_ Ino.**_ It'll be fun!_


	12. Thou Shall Enjoy PDA

**Disclaimer:** _copyrights are too expensive for me. Don't make me cry.  
_**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That and she'll nag me into yelling at you.  
_**Saaski-chan's disclaimer**: _The nickname Leeni-chan is copyrighted to Saaski. Use it and die. _

**  
AN:** _Well, I feel kind of stupid... Last chapter, I completely forgot that Gaara doesn't have eyebrows... OMG!? What kind of bad fan girl writer am I??? I'm such a horrible person! Gaara! I'm so sorry... (sobsob) So, I want to thank Shiori-03 for pointing this out to me. I probably won't bother going back to fix that, but pretend that it says "the place where Gaara's eyebrow should be twitched", okay? Thanks. Other than that, enjoy this (also) short chapter.

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_

**Chapter 12 **

The next day, Naruto arrived at school with a fever. Stupid? Well, yes, but Iruka-sensei was never a very good bed-maid. And what could you expect from a man who waged war with pigeons? Not nursing expertise, that's for sure.

"Naruto," Gaara said when the blond arrived at their lockers, blurry eyed and fever flushed. "You look like crap."

"Thank you Gaara, I think that the crickets love me too."

Naruto's words only seemed to serve the purpose of confusing the red head. Shikamaru, however, seemed to understand why the blond was being extra random that morning. ...If resting his hands against Naruto's cheeks and leaning in close meant he understood.

"You have a fever-" he managed to say before Gaara growled and flung him away.

"Don't be silly." Naruto said, watching with glazed over eyes as Shikamaru slid to the floor - unconscious due to banging his head against a locker door. The blond bent down to poke his friend. "Iruka-sensei said that I'm fine and that my boyfriend would take care of me at school if I felt any worse than I do now. And I trust Iruka-sensei against my better judgment because, I mean seriously, who trusts a man who wages wars with pigeons?"

Chirp. _Chirrrrp_.

All time stopped. Gaara froze. Shikamaru... remained unconscious. The hallway quieted and the first half on Naruto's statement hung in the air - displayed for all who wanted to read them.

Naruto turned back to Gaara with a smile. "Ne?" He asked right before he passed out.

Thus, two teens were now sprawled in the hallway.

The new rumor took root and sprouted in each and every student of Konoha high. The rumor that Gaara and Naruto were passionate lovers - betrothed since birth - already planning on children... and other things that were mostly lies.

And... moments later the fact that Gaara was denying none of the rumors spread the idea that: "OMG!!11!!ichi!one1!!! It's true!!!"

After that, even the patented Death Stare of Doom, which Gaara finally managed to contort his facial features into, didn't stop the rumors. In fact, if anything, the rumors started circulating faster.

"He's so protective of Naruto!"

"Why didn't we see this sooner? Like, in chapter three?"

**"SQUEEE!"**

Homicidal laughter broke up the crowd as Gaara's fictional mental stability died - leaving Shukaku to take over.

"I have been silent for the last two chapters - but now I am back!" Shukaku screamed after taking over Gaara's body. **_"MWAHAHAHA!"_**

The hallway remained silent, both amazed at the sudden bout of stupidity and frightened by it. Not only that however, but Naruto's next move also freaked the crowd of rubberneckers out.

Because, Naruto suddenly stood up as well, his eyes glowing a demonic red. "I am Kyuubi!" He shrieked in a voice that was akin to nails on a chalkboard. "And though this is my first appearance in this fan fiction -_ I DO EXIST!"_

Both boys and their demonic counter parts then proceeded to pass out. And thus, Naruto, Shikamaru and Gaara were now successfully barricading the hallway. And... well, the crowd decided to just leave them there in their haste to just get away.

The crickets, being the only conscious beings around, decided to break up the silence.

Chirp. _Chirrrrp_.

Lunch was a site to behold. There was a three table radius of empty tables surrounding Naruto and his friend (Shikamaru) and his "boyfriend" (Gaara). People weren't avoiding them because they were gay-

"I'm bi!" Shikamaru shouted at the author.

-But because of the demonic outbursts that morning, coupled with the fact that they were gay.

_"Bi!"_

Naturally - this three empty table radius was quite disconcerting. But... as Gaara and Shikamaru didn't really care about what others thought of them - and Naruto was in a fever induced haze of unawareness - none of them paid it any mind.

Something else which is natural at his point, is the infamous rumor mill. However, the proverbial gears of progress were jammed between two rumors. The first was the: "OMG! Gaara/Naruto!!!" rumor. The other was the: "OMG! Demonic Gaara/Naruto!!?". Needless to say they people at Konoha High weren't sure what they were supposed to fear at this moment, and thus settled for tense silence.

This silence was broken by the spastic clicking of an old tri-pod spy camera.

"Ino..." Naruto was muttering each time a picture was taken of Shikamaru.

Finally, the blond stood up (swaying slightly with his illness) and trotted over two tables to grab Ino's arm, drag her back to his table, and force her to sit down. "I swear I know you..." he said, squinting at her.

Ino glomped onto Shikamaru's arm, and began cooing to herself. Shikamaru stared at her with a look of annoyed surprise, if those two emotions even mix.

At this moment, the author has chosen to explain why there is a three table radius of empty tables, while Ino is only two tables away. Er... she was hiding. And thus, didn't exist in the chapter yet. Yes, that sounds plausible enough.

Naruto, now frowning and trying his hardest to make his brain work for him, stared almost through Ino. A little light bulb over his head fizzed every once in a while, but otherwise didn't serve him any purpose. "I swear I know you," he muttered. "Really!"

Shikamaru began edging away from Ino. Or, well, he tried to edge away from Ino, anyway. His arm was still caught in her claw-like grasp so he didn't get very far.

"He's my big bad elf in red," Ino murmured, now resting her head on Shikamaru's shoulder.

Shikamaru suddenly began wishing he hadn't so loudly insisted that he was bi and not gay. A gay man would now how to deal with that, right? Right? Curse his bad luck.

"I know!" Naruto suddenly shouted, standing up and pointing one finger at Ino. The little light bulb over his head cracked and short circuited due to the sudden burst of energy in the blonds head. "You're that girl from my old school who went insane because I-"

But he didn't get to finish his sudden revelation. Because, at that moment in time, Itachi had just run into the room - pink dress and all - and glomped onto Naruto's back.

**"NARU-CHAN!"** Itachi cooed, rubbing his cheek against the blond hair.

But, what really threw off Naruto's train of thought wasn't Itachi's sudden random arrival, but Gaara's reaction to Itachi's sudden random arrival. Because the territorial red head stood up, launched himself across the table at his blond, and attached his lips to Naruto's in both of their first kisses.

All of the guys in the room first cracked their knuckles because hey, a gay couple was an easy target. But then the guys realized that one: Naruto is pretty girly anyway, and two: Gaara isn't somebody that they want to attempt to make their easy target. And while the guys tried to decide how to react, every fan girl present squeed and giggled: "oh! **HOW CUTE!"**

Okay, Itachi added the "how cute" part, but the fan girls did squee.

Five minutes later, Naruto passed out due to lack of oxygen.

Sasuke (and Neji, by default) quietly snuck from the room, lest Itachi notice them. Itachi, having now noticed his little brother, chased after him and his flat chested girlfriend with a panicked cry of **"SASU-CHAN! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!"**

And Gaara? Well, he managed to not only convey his feelings to Naruto, but also contract the flu.

All in all, it was a fairly decent forth day back to school.

* * *

AN _Yay! Finally a little Gaara/Naruto boy-on-boy moment! Aren't you glad you stuck with me for twelve chapters? I know I'm glad you are. Next time... probably more about Sasuke and Neji, just because they're feeling neglected in the boy-on-boy moments._


	13. Thou Shall Have Moments

**Disclaimer: **_Well... it's floating around in this fic somewhere..._**  
Kuroi-chan's Disclaimer: **_The nickname Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That and she'll nag me into yelling at you._**  
Saaski-chan's disclaimer: **_The nickname Leeni-chan is copyrighted to Saaski-chan. Use it and die. _

**AN: **_Well, I really don't have much to ramble about right now – but I think you should all thank my boss, because if she hadn't sent me home early tonight, you wouldn't have gotten this chapter. And I didn't want to post it until I got a round 300 reviews, but I decided: "Che', I've got 298 – that's pretty close, right?" So – read and enjoy, I guess. _

(**Additional Authos Comment**, _feel free to skip:_ I was feeling self important and was wondering if I were to create a fan-club for myself, who would join it? Heh, sorry, random thoughts that make me feel special and arrogant. (blush). I'll shut up now.)

_

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**Chapter 13 **

For lack of anything better to start this chapter with, the author has decided to recap the school year thus far. Strangely enough, only four days have occurred during this school year - but the author is guessing nobody has figured that out yet. Now, one might recall that the first day of school involved a random freshman being squashed by fan girls, and Shukaku possessing Gaara's body for the second time in this fic. Thus, giving Gaara the power of sand. Also on the first day, Iruka-sensei began the first battle in a war with pigeons, and Neji became extremely perverted. Shikamaru was also introduced as the resident bi character.

On the second day of school, Jiraiya-sensei took his class on a trip to Happy Homes: A Center for the Incurably Insane. Sasuke's insane brother and another new character named Ino were revealed to the frightened Live Experiences class.

Day three involved Gaara gouging out a roomful of staring eyes with his new ability to control sand. And day four involved a brief introduction of Kyuubi, the near explanation towards Ino's insanity (_which will be ignored for now_), and the (_long over due_) Gaara/Naruto moment.

**Horary!**

So, now that everybody is bored with the authors ramblings, the story line will now continue (after a brief flashback) and the randomness will continue as it always does.

**Flashback**: _And Gaara? Well, he managed to not only convey his feelings to Naruto, but also contract the flu._

**Actual storyline**: Now, it was natural for Naruto to feel extremely guilty about getting Gaara sick. So, he labored, and labored that night, making the most special gift he could think of for Gaara.

"Shikamaru!" Naruto cried, pounding on the front door of the Naru household. "_Help meeee_!"

An extremely sleepy looking Shikamaru opened the door and proceeded to yawn.

"Naruto, it's five in the morning," the boy complained before yawning again and slumping in the doorframe.

"I- I know..." Naruto said, looking sheepish. "But... Gaara's sick and I don't have a car... so will you drive me to Gaara's house please?"

"What makes you think I have a car?"

Naruto was silent, his blue eyes teary and pleading.

Shikamaru chanced opening one eye, and immediately regretted it. Why was he such a sucker for blonds? And blue eyes? And that pout? Curse his bad luck! Curse it to Happy Homes and back!

"Let me steal my dad's car keys..."

--

Twenty minutes later found Naruto and Shikamaru standing on the front stoop of Gaara's house. Naruto was ringing the doorbell, as he had been for the last three minutes, and Shikamaru was staring up at the clouds, still cursing his bad luck.

"_WHAT_?!" An irritated voice snarled. Wolves howled in the background. Naruto and Shikamaru looked up and revealed to their eyes a blond haired, blue eyed girl.

Shikamaru's eyes widened, a bit of something - quite possibly drool - dripping from his mouth and his knees quaking.

Naruto grinned. "_Temari_!" He said, bouncing on the balls of his feet happily.

"Naruto-kun," Temari said, scowling at the bouncy blond. Wolves howled in the background. "You're here to see otouto-kun?"

"Yes!" Naruto beamed.

In the background, wolves continued baying at the not-currently-present moon. "Who's your friend?"

"Naru Shikamaru!" Naruto grinned, grabbing Shikamaru's arm and pulling his friend forward. Shikamaru stumbled slightly in his fear-slash-awe of the blond girl.

"Hmm..." Wolves howled some more - if anything to just be annoying. Wolves', annoying... somehow that just doesn't seem to fit as well as the author wants it to. Oh well!

Chirp. _Chirrrrp_.

"Is Gaara in his room?"

A brief nod, to keep the wretched beasts of hell silent, sent Naruto and Shikamaru into the house and up the stairs towards Gaara's room.

"Why..." Shikamaru started to say in a low tone. "The wolves..."

"Temari - that's Gaara's older sister, by the way - well, when she was born, her soul was fused with a wolf's soul. About two weeks later, she got annoyed with it and kicked it out of her body. So, now she's forced to play mother for a pack of wolves. It doesn't make sense, really, but that's okay."

Shikamaru blinked before shaking his head and deciding he really didn't want a better explanation. With that in mind, he continued to follow Naruto up the stairs, doing his best not to ogle the, er... blonds hind quarters as it danced up the stairs.

Naruto was taken; he had to remind himself several times. Not only was Naruto taken, but he had been taken by the most feared person enrolled at Konoha High, and quite possibly the most feared character in the entire fic. That didn't really bode well for Shikamaru, so his gaze alternated between the floor and fleeting glimpses at Naruto to make sure he hadn't yet gotten lost in the seemingly never-ending stairwell.

They reached Gaara's room after five flights of stairs.

Naruto knocked on the dark wood of the door a few times, calling out a cheerful greeting. The door creaked open slowly to allow the two boys admittance.

Shikamaru gulped, suddenly feeling like he was walking into his own demise.

--

Sasuke and Neji were - for lack of a better word - experimenting. They'd try a little of _this_, and a little of _that_. A little _more_ of that, mixed with a _little_ bit of this. Their hair clung to their foreheads, moist with sweat - and the entire kitchen was heated like a sauna.

"Sasuke," Neji panted, lifting his long hair off of his neck and fanning himself lightly. "That is the last time I ever try to bake cookies with you."

Sasuke scowled down at the latest blackened experiments that lay on the kitchen counter. He was sure that that batch would have come out right if the two of them hadn't gotten... distracted.

"We really shouldn't play Frogger while baking," he decided.

Neji rolled his eyes and pulled off his shirt, yet another ill conceived attempt to cool himself off.

"Damnit!" He finally whined. "Turn off the stove! It's hot in here!"

Sasuke grumbled and moved to turn off the stove, but in the process he slipped on a bit of egg on the floor and crashed into Neji.

They landed on the floor with identical "oomph's!" and were thus staring into each others eyes.

Neji immediately began nursing a nose-bleed.

Sasuke took advantage of the moment with his and Neji's first official "Sasuke/Neji moment". That is to say, well, he kissed him.

Five minutes later, Kakashi walked into the kitchen and immediately began screaming like a fan girl. "OMG!" He screamed. "My kitchen is on fire!!!"

--

Gaara turned away from his Troll Figurine collection the moment he heard his bedroom door creak open.

"Temari," he started to say, a threat laced in his voice. His sister really should know better than to disturb him in his own room. But, Gaara's words died in his throat the moment he saw who was really at his door.

"Naruto..." he whispered, his usually expressionless eyes welling up with tears of happiness that his one true love would visit him in his time of need. Need meaning, he's sick with the flu, not perverted like Neji.

"**_GAARA_**!" Naruto cheered before promptly flinging himself at the red head. "I brought you a present!"

Just then, Shikamaru walked into the room, causing one of Gaara's missing eyebrows to rise. "You want to have a threesome?" He asked skeptically.

Chirp. _Chirrrrp_.

Naruto blinked at him. "Huh?"

Gaara decided to remain silent.

Shikamaru blinked as he took in Gaara's bedroom. It was pretty much what he had imagined it to be, besides the rather out of place looking Troll collection. Meaning, each troll had a cut-out of Naruto's face pasted over its original face. Anyway, the room itself was done in shades of black. The walls were midnight black; the bed was ink black, and so on.

"Your present!" Naruto proclaimed proudly, holding out a gift wrapped in bright yellow paper.

Gaara took it eagerly, ripping off the paper like the excited little sick boy he currently was.

"A... bright pink fluffy scarf?" He asked, holding up the strip of fluffy thing formerly concealed in the paper.

"A hand knitted bright pink fluffy scarf!" Naruto corrected, taking the scarf and carefully wrapping it around Gaara's neck. "With a raccoon iron-on on each end."

He looked so proud of himself that Gaara really didn't have the heart to reject the gift. He decided it could also be used later on as a weapon, should he ever have the need to strangle his brother - or anybody.

"..." Gaara said instead.

"Your welcome," Naruto beamed before throwing himself at the red head for a hug. Iruka-sensei had instructed him not to kiss Gaara least he get sick again, so Naruto stuck with the hug.

Shikamaru shuffled his feet uncomfortably. This was clearly a sappy shonen-ai moment that he wasn't a part of.

Wolves howled in the background, and Shikamaru suddenly decided that he would like to hear the whole story behind them. So, the resident bisexual character left Gaara's room to find Temari - and hopefully hook up with her.

Gaara and Naruto didn't noticed, being too caught up in their second official: "Gaara/Naruto moment".

Chirp. _Chirrrrp_.

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AN: _This fic is slowly drawing towards its end, how sad is that? (I think it will round out at maybe 18 chapters.) Anyway, next time will probably include Ino's secret, and a bit more of Neji and Sasuke, because I love them to pieces._


	14. Thou Shall Have Tragic Pasts

**Disclaimer:** _It should be fairly obvious by now... but the disclaimer is still in chapter 1.  
_**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That and she'll nag me into yelling at you.  
_**Saaski-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname Leeni-chan is copyrighted to Saaski. Use it and die._

**AN:** _Wow, that certainly took me long enough huh? _(slightly sheepish)_ I guess I should apologize for that. ... Well, anyway, this chapter is mainly looking back at Ino's unfortunate accident. And well, actually, that's pretty much it. It's short, but that's okay. I made it up on the spot, two days ago. If that. Enjoy._

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**Chapter 14: **_Thou Shall Have Tragic Pasts_

-

Flower arrangement class, was essentially, a complete waste of both time and brain cells. Orochimaru certainly had no use for the class - and he wasn't even sure why Happy Homes offered the class to its patients. There were only two enrolled in the class, and they never actually did any flower arranging.

**"ROSE WHIP!"**

A handful of fertilizer grazed the side of Orochimaru's face and the man sighed.

"Itachi, that is neither a rose, nor a whip. Please put down the fertilizer bag before your hurt yourself.

**"BUT ORO-CHAN!"** Itachi whined, hugging the bag to his chest and getting his pretty pink dress dirty in the process.

"And you're going to be doing laundry later too," Orochimaru said with a frown.

**"WAHH!"**

"I need to pee..."

"Ino. You just finished peeing. Sit down and work."

Two more sighs echoed through the room, while Itachi just pouted. The bag of fertilizer was finally put down and the two "students" sat down in their designated seats to begin arranging flowers.

At just that moment, however, the much damaged coo-coo clock sprung to life. The poor thing only managed to announce that the class was over before a potted plant smashed into it.

**"THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO PLAY PEEK-A-BOO WITH ME!"** Itachi screamed, readying another plant.

"Coo-_khhh_..." The clock replied before the little bird fell off of its perch and hit the ground.

"Come on you two, it's time for therapy - and Kabuto doesn't like waiting..."

-

"Now, Ino. Please explain why you're here." Kabuto tucked a strand of his silvery-white hair behind one ear before readying his pencil and giving the blond in front of him a level glance.

Said blond quaked in fear, clutching her tri-pod spy camera so tightly that the metal tri-pod stand nearly broke. "Ramen..." she murmured softly.

"Eh?" A note was scribbled on the note-pad on Kabuto's lap.

"And... he had tails of fire..."

Kabuto blinked, not understanding. "Maybe we need a flashback..." he murmured, tapping his pencil on the notepad and looking imploringly at the author."Because this makes zero sense."

A dreamy scene-scape flooded the therapy room, bringing Ino, Kabuto and the readers back in time. Back... to BC. Before Crickets.

-

**Flashback Mode: Engaged**

-

"But Iruka-sense!"

"No. I said you were grounded, and you are! No ramen for two weeks, that's what I said. It's only been an hour! Suck it up!"

"But Iruka-sensei," Naruto repeated, clinging pathetically to his guardians shirt sleeve. "How am I supposed to exist without ramen? For two weeks? No Uzumaki has ever survived two weeks without ramen!"

"I'm sure you'll manage." Iruka said decisively, beginning to walk down the hall. Naruto - refusing to release his sleeve - was dragged after him.

The entire student population began laughing as the long time social outcast continued acting like himself. Meaning, whining and begging - like a two year old - without shame. That laughter continued echoing through the halls for the next two weeks.

-

**Two Weeks Later**

-

"Ah, my ramen... how I've missed you..."

Well, needless to say, Naruto's punishment has just ended and he was celebrating with a bowl or ten of his personal heaven.

"No way!" A distinctly female voice cried, dangerously close to Naruto's ramen covered table.

Naruto, however, was currently shoving his seventh bowl of noodle-y goodness down his throat, so he was ignoring everything happening around him. This proved to be a mistake because just after completing bowl number nine, bowl number ten was knocked over. The dark blue clad girl, who was responsible for the ultimate sin of death, smirked.

"Oops. Sorry." She said with one of those self satisfied tones which only serves to piss people off more.

Naruto saw red.

The girl, Ino, saw red.

Because, Naruto's eyes began to burn an unholy crimson. The scars on his cheeks deepened and fire erupted around him. "That was my ramen," the bowl growled in a voice that most definitely wasn't his own. He clenched his fingers, his suddenly sharper fingernails... claws... things digging into his skin and drawing blood that dripped to the floor and burst to flame.

Ino stared, all blood leaving her face. That irritating smirk on his face melted into pure fear. She started backing up, stuttering incoherently.

"**My**. **Ramen**." Naruto repeated, his eyes narrowing further. The fire around him took on the distinct form of a fox. A fox with nine tails. Those tails began executing the "Ultimate Destruction of the Lunchroom", forcing everyone to evacuate the school.

Ino's eyes rolled back in her head and a bit of drool dripped down her chin. "Muh. Muh. Muhhhh..." she whimpered softly to herself. "..._Muffin Man_."

And then she ran.

In the end, the entire school burned down. Ino was sent to Happy Homes for therapy, and Iruka and Naruto moved to a new town...

-

**Flashback Mode: Disengaged**

**-**

Kabuto blinked as the dreamy quality of the room abruptly disappeared. The poor girl, the man then thought, tapping his pencil against the doodles on his notes, her past was so traumatic she had to create a story to comfort herself.

'Needs more therapy'. The therapist scrawled down under a rather good sketch of Crickets in Drag. "Alright Ino, you can go now."

The girl left to comfort herself with stalking Shikamaru. "Gingerbread men," she whispered to herself as she entered the Naru house and began stealing all of the toilet paper. "Can't catch me..."

-

Naruto stared at the atrocity sitting on the table in front of him. "My ramen..." he whimpered, his blue eyes filling with tears before a very distinct red gleam entered them.

Gaara hovered next to him, half nervously, half uncaringly. "I'll buy you a new bowl, alright, Naruto?"

The presence of Kyuubi disappeared and Naruto shot forward to hug his closest friend and boyfriend. _"Okay!"_

Gaara heaved a sigh of relief, somehow having the feeling that he had just saved whatever was left of his sanity.

-

Sasuke frowned down at the mean Kakashi had placed in front of him. Beside him, Neji looked down with equal distaste.

"I hate ramen." They both said at exactly the same moment.

"Come now boys," Iruka-sensei said from his place next to Kakashi. "It isn't that bad."

Said from the man who was forced to eat ramen at least once a day.

Two glares that could probably peel paint were then aimed at the head counselor of Konoha High. Iruka-sensei sweatdropped discretely before hitching another smile on his face. "Just... don't ever let Naruto hear those words. He's already caused one girl to go insane, I'm sure she won't be the last unfortunate person."

Sasuke and Neji stared.

Kakashi just laughed heartily. "What wonderful stories you have, Iruka! Hahahaha!"

-

The Naru family stared.

And stared.

Mr. Nara wept.

Shikamaru sighed.

Mr. Nara took another drink of his brandy before beginning to weep again.

Shikamaru got out the car keys and prepared to make a much needed Toilet Paper run.

Honestly, what kind of person broke into a house filled with booze, just to steal toilet paper?

-

Orochimaru sighed as Ino was ushered back into Happy Homes by two blurry men dressed as Ninja's. The girl was carrying an arm load or two of toilet paper, which only meant that somebody out there was going to have a problem.

Behind him, Itachi had once again gotten a hold of the fertilizer bag.

**"ROSE WHIP!"**

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**AN: **_OMG, I just totally turned Kakashi into Ayame! And I got Kurama's Rose Whip in! Multi-fandom's! Score! (cough) Ahn, Nori, was the cut from Ino's past to Gaara's mistake good enough? Meh, I don't really care at this point. Please note, that while I'm extremly flattered... I'm not accepting any marrige proposals just yet. Maybe tomorrow._

**Next time: **_hm... perhaps a bit of um... story development? And by that, I mean: Kakashi/Iruka moments. And maybe a bit more of Lee. Maybe._


	15. Thou Shall Have Scary Movie Night

**Disclaimer: **_is hidden elsewhere. Find it, and you get a cookie.  
_**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer: **_The nickname Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That and she'll nag me into yelling at you.  
_**Saaski-chan's disclaimer: **_The nickname Leeni-chan is copyrighted to Saaski. Use it and die._

**AN: **_Yeah, yeah. I understand the horribly long wait involved in this chapter. I know you all are argry – but if you whine about it instead of reviewing properly, (not that I really expect much after this long of a wait) the next wait will be longer. I do want to finish this story. Please don't allow me to procrastinate too much. E-mail's work wonders, I swear they do. Um... enjoy! Sorry about the wait!_

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**Cricket Club 15:  
**Thou Shall Have Horror Movie Nights

Taking into consideration that the last time Gaara had watched a Horror Movie he had been thrown from the theatre, having a Horror Movie Night probably wasn't the best of ideas. (Does anybody remember that actually happening? It was probably chapter three... or four.)

Anyway, Naruto, suddenly struck with the need to spend quality time with Gaara, invited the red-head over to his house to watch movies. Horror Movies. Scary, Horror Movies. Because... seriously, those two don't actually spend every waking nanosecond together.

Much to Gaara's immense relief.

And disappointment.

"Alright! Horror movies!" Iruka-sensei exclaimed happily upon forcing open the heavily bolted and nailed shut door which led to the basement. He held a tray of break-n-bake cookies in his hands, which were balanced nicely as the man gingerly stepped over the splintered piece of wood that was formerly his basement door.

Gaara shot the man a dirty look for ruining the beginning of "Bring It On".

Kakashi-sensei walked into the room next with a bottle of diet juice. He was followed by Sasuke and Neji, who were holding glasses – presumably for the juice.

Naruto blinked, rather distracted now that the author was forcing the entire group of stay G-rated. And healthy.

And so it began – the ultimate movie of teenaged cheerleading angst and horror. Gaara cowered in Naruto's arms, trying to deny the very essence of idiocy that even Konoha High was infested with. Naruto cooed quietly, trying to comfort his boyfriend while secretly loving the movie. Sasuke and Neji weren't really watching the video. They were a bit... distracted with each other.

"One, two, three, four: I declare a thumb war." Sasuke said dully.

"Five, six, seven, eight: try to keep your thumb straight." Neji replied in his own monotone.

Their thumbs then proceeded to duke it out. For the next hour.

"What's the prize for winning?" Sasuke eventually wondered.

Neji promptly began nursing a nosebleed with his free hand, while the other began fighting desperately. Sasuke smirked, taking the silent hint, now determined to win. Then again... loosing would probably be just as good as wining.

Yes, that was a very casually placed hint that the two will be enjoying themselves later. And there wont be any stupid games involved either.

"Would you two stop already?" Kakashi growled from where he and Iruka-sensei were also not paying attention to the movie. They, however, were actually making out – rather than playing dumb finger games.

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrrrrp_.

The crickets decided to add, voicing their protest that everybody seemed intent on ruining the movie.

Shukaku foamed at the mouth, just for the sake of foaming at the mouth. The poor raccoon that nobody could see was sad because he had accidentally drunken a bit of the aforementioned diet-juice, which was one of the main contributors to the foam that he was... foaming with.

"_Oh my god!"_ The television blared. _"Those bitches just stole, like, our stolen routine!"_

Gaara whimpered and clung tighter to Naruto.

"Hiss!" 

"Shh..." Naruto said softly, petting Gaara's hair. "They can't hurt you here."

"_Like, you whore! Bring it on!"_

"_Oh, I'll bring it!"_

"_Good!"_

"_Good!"_

"Fine!" 

"This is so pointless." Shikamaru said from the other side of Naruto – having just been zapped into the chapter by the author. The lazy teen helped himself to some diet juice and cookies, happily drinking from Naruto's glass.

"Shikamaru?" Naruto asked, turning away from cooing at Gaara to give the lazy teen a strange look. "How did you get here?"

Shikamaru shrugged, not having the faintest idea either.

Gaara, noticing that the attention he had been receiving was now being focused elsewhere, lifted his head minutely – leveling a Glare 'O Death at his rival in love interests.

"_That bitch just pulled my hair!"_ The television wailed, forcing an unwanted shiver to dance its way down Gaara's back. Said shiver also forced the boy to once again take refuge in Naruto's arms.

"Bring it on." The red head whispered to Shikamaru, a smirk that Naruto couldn't see firmly seated on his face.

Shikamaru scowled. "Oh, I'll bring it." He whispered back.

"Good."

"Good."

"Fine!"

"FINE!" 

Naruto, slightly puzzled as to why his two friends were now verbally acting out the movie, wondered if he should move out from between the two less they decide to physically act out the movie as well. Then he decided that – nah, there was no way in hell that that would ever happen.

"**_ALRIGHT! I WIN!"_** Neji cowed from the other side of the room. This – really – is the only thing that kept Gaara from pouncing on Shikamaru and pulling his hair.

Seconds later, much to the bewildered surprise of all those present, Neji had pounced on Sasuke and begun thoroughly ravishing him. Not two minutes after that, the long haired teen had dragged his best friend / boy-toy out of the room and with the distinct squeaking of bed springs ringing in their wake.

The crickets were too stunned to chirp. Neji had finally gotten over his perverted nature. He had finally grown a backbone. He had ... he had ... finally, finally gotten laid.

Naruto, oblivious as to why Neji and Sasuke had left in the middle of the movie, shrugged and turned back in time to see two of the male cheerleaders start hitting on each other.

Gaara, however, had narrowed his eyes, instantly plotting murder in case the two pretty boys had decided to perform their bedroom activities in a certain blond's bedroom. The red haired teen icon of terror knew exactly how Naruto's bed squeaked (for the blond liked to jump on it, even now). He knew exactly where in the house said bed was located, and he was suspicious that the squeaking was coming from that general direction.

Shikamaru, also having plotted the Umino-slash-Uzumaki house to the millimeter, was glaring at the ceiling. Either he was also plotting murder or he was wishing that someone would bestow the same type of attention to him, but which ever way - he was glaring.

Iruka and Kakashi were still making out – unaware of pretty much everything going on in the general vicinity of the basement – or the corner bedroom that might or might not be Naruto's bedroom. With such a distraction in each other, they also completely missed the open hostility that was now burning in both Gaara's and Shikamaru's eyes.

_I'm getting Naruto,_ Gaara's eyes proclaimed to Shikamaru_. I don't sleep, I'll get him while you can only **dream** of getting him._

_Blonds are my preference._ Shikamaru's eyes glowered back. _There are no other good blonds around here._

"Hey, Shikamaru, whatever happened about Gaara's sister? I thought you liked her." Naruto butted into the silent conversation with the same lack of tact that he usually showed. "Rather, I thought that she really liked you and you were forced to like her back on the notion that she's Gaara's sister and if you insult Gaara's sister you screwed for the rest of you life."

Shikamaru stammered out an answer that had something to do with "psycho girl", "wolves", and "just plain scary".

Gaara began glaring anew, not having previously known that Tamari had liked the black haired teen sitting on the other side of Naruto. However, it wasn't as though said black haired teen hadn't already thoroughly thought of a solution to what he had already guessed would happen with Gaara about his sister.

He ran. Probably the smartest move possible.

And it was in this moment that Naruto decided to remind Gaara that he didn't really need to win the blond over, because the blond was already his. Meaning, he began serving the red head juice and cookies with a pretty pink apron with white frills. The best part, though, was the part which read "Boink the Cook".

Something Gaara intended to do the moment Neji and Sasuke finished with Naruto's bed.

* * *

Neji sighed a big "I just got really close to getting laid" sigh, a faint smirk gracing his lips. Because, while he might not have just gotten laid, he got pretty far, and he now had a boyfriend equivalent to a pile of goo curled up against him. 

Sasuke sighed as well, spitting a mouthful of hair out of his mouth. "The fan girls are going to hate you for nearly taking my virginity, you know."

"Good." Neji said smugly, rolling onto his side and pulling Sasuke closer to him.

"The might even kill you."

"Nah."

Sasuke blinked, wondering why Neji was so calm about his soon coming death. "What do you mean?"

"They'll kill me when I take your virginity, not before."

Somewhere, on the other side of the door, Gaara sighed – wishing that the two in Naruto's bed would hurry up and either boink each other, or leave. He didn't wish to walk in on two naked teens. Much less two naked teens that had just nearly boinked.

Next to him, Naruto twitched. "Hey!" He shouted, "Don't make me call Itachi! Because I will, and he won't worry about running in and pouncing on you!"

The crickets, even though they too admitted that this was a good idea, chirped quietly amongst themselves, wondering if they should flee for their lives now, or wait until Itachi arrived.

Probably wait, it'd be pretty funny to watch.

Chirp. _Chirrrrrrrp_.

* * *

**AN:** _OMG, has it really been that long since I've updated. I swear, I've had this chapter halfway done for months too. I wonder what's been taking me so long? Maybe I just don't want to finish this, because it will be the ending of an era, or something. sigh_

_Anyway, next chapter will feature ... some stuff... Also, I promise – Neji will finally get laid. No more putting it off!_


End file.
